Forever and Always (Phanfiction)
by ThePhanWhoLived
Summary: Dan has Health Anxiety Disorder, after taking drugs once. ever since, he has bee petrified of dying. but when Dan meets Phil, a depressed and anorexic man, at the local support group, everything changes for the better. it is clear that they are made for eachother. but will it last?
1. Chapter 1 - How It All Started

*3 years previously*

*Dan's POV*

It's my sixteenth birthday party. Everyone is having fun partying up at my house, laughing, eating, and drinking until they are sick. But here I am, behind the garden shed with two friends.

"Come on Brandon! Where's the stuff?" Reece asks in a slurred drunken tone, an excited expression on his face. Brandon puts his hand into his pocket, and pulls out a small plastic bag. My body tenses.

The smell of weed pollutes the air around us as Brandon pulls open the re-sealable bag. He pulls out an already made joint, and lights it. He takes a puff, blowing out the foul smelling smoke after, making Reece laugh.

Next, he passes the joint to Reece, who takes a deep breath of the herb, and goes immediately dizzy, and leans back on the shed. Next it's my turn.

I try to hide my shaking hands as I take the lit joint from Reece. Doubt fills me. _What if I do it wrong? What if they know that it's my first time? I don't have a clue what I'm doing_ I think to myself. Here it goes.

I take a breath of the smoke, which to be honest tastes disgusting. I cough, earning a hard pat on the back from Brandon.

"Go on, Dan!" he encourages me. I take a deep breath of the vile stuff, and black spots start to cover my vision. I blink harshly to try and get rid of them, and try and concentrate to pass the joint back to Brandon.

Feeling dizzy, I lean back on the hedge. Of course it doesn't hold my weight, and I topple over backwards. I hear Reece and Brandon laugh, but it's as though I am hearing them through water. I lie back, shut my eyes, and take a deep breath.

When I open my eyes five seconds later, the hedge surrounding me is purple, and the shed has been painted blue and green. I scrabble to my feet, and completely ignoring Reece and Brandon, I run up to my house, chasing the small silver UFO.

I push past the dancing people, and the questioning looks around me. I need to know where that UFO is going! I follow it up the stairs, gripping onto the bannister with my clammy hands. _This is fun!_ I think to myself.

I reach the top of the stairs, and the UFO disappears.

"Hey, you cheeky little shit! Come back!" I say the air, with a little giggle. I stand there for a few seconds, until I hear the growling. The rumbling noise of growling is coming from my bedroom. I am about to investigate, when the source of the sound reveals itself.

The lion crouches down, and crawls closer to me. A wave of fear hits me, and I back away from the lion. It pounces, and I jump backwards with ninja skills. That is when I remember that I am still stood at the top of the stairs.

I hear a crash, a bang, a crack, and everything goes black.

I wake with a banging headache and a blinding light. It takes a few moments for my eyes to adjust to the light, but when they do, I realise I'm in a hospital. The white curtains conceal me from the voices outside. I try to remember how I got here. But I can't. The last thing I can remember is blackness.

Just then the curtains open, and a doctor walks in with my very worried-looking mum behind him.

"How are you feeling, Daniel?" asks the doctor with a piteous look on his face.

"Crap." Is the only thing I can think to say. But it's true.

"How does your head feel?" he asks. _What is this? Some sort of interrogation?!_

"Crap." I say again. It seems to piss him off a bit. He gives me a serious look.

"I will be back later to check up on you. Try and get some sleep." He says as he leaves. _Crap_._ Why does he have to come back?_

My mother approaches me, and sits by the side of hospital bed. I can't tell what expression is on her face. She looks partly worried, but also scared, but most of all she looks disappointed. I know exactly why.

She just stares at me for a minute, as if trying to let me know how she feels before she speaks. I swear, her disappointed glare is burning holes in my face. Scarring me with guilt. At last she speaks.

"We have been so worried, Daniel." She says. _Oh god._ She only ever calls me 'Daniel' when I'm in deep shit.

"How long have I been out for?" I ask the question that's been bugging me all the time I've been awake.

"About five days." She says shortly. _Five whole Days?_

And then the worst type of treatment from any parent – the silence treatment. It goes on for ever. Its just a staring contest between me and mum, giving her another excuse to give me disappointed stares. I go to run my hand through my hair, which I always do in awkward situations. But my hand doesn't touch my dark brown hair. It touches a bandage which I didn't know as there until now.

Then I remember more. I remember the lion pouncing. I remember falling down the stairs. Oh.

Then my mum speaks completely out of the blue. "The doctors found traces of cannabis in your system" and that is all she says.

_So long for feeling sorry for your son with the cracked skull, mum._


	2. Chapter 2 - The Support Group

*4 years later*

*Dan's POV*

It's four years since 'the incident' at my sixteenth now. Four years since my life started going downhill.

It started off with the little things; I'd be worried about the speed of my heart beat, or the size of a mole. However, since then my problem has escalated. And right now, I am convinced that there is a poisonous germ in my car, which will make me ill. There isn't, of course, but I don't know that.

"Mum! I'm not going in the car to the support group! It's only down the road!" I try to convince my mum one morning.

"Yes you are, Dan! There's nothing in the car that can hurt you!" she retaliates.

"What about the poisonous germs!"

"Dan, I don't want to argue! You're going!" she raises her voice a little.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not."

"Daniel, just get in the car!" she shouts at me. Does she seriously still call me 'Daniel' when she's angry? For crying out loud, I'm twenty years old!

"Fine." I say in surrender.

"Thank you, Dan"

"I don't even want to go anyway." I say under my breath as I walk towards the front door. The only reason I didn't put up a bigger fight is that I didn't want to upset my mum. I know how much it means to her for me to get better, but for me, I've sort of given up at this point. If it was up to me, I wouldn't even get out of bed in the mornings.

I stand outside the car waiting, knowing full well that it's unlocked. I just want to spend as little time as possible in that killer machine.

I breathe as little of the air as possible when in the car, and remain like this for the next two minutes until we arrive.

Unfortunately for me, the car park is on the opposite side of the road to the town hall, where the support group is held. I say unfortunately for me, because crossing a busy road is _literally_ my worst nightmare. It is a death trap to me.

After bidding my mum goodbye, I head to the pavement. I walk a minute down the road to the zebra crossing, just to be safe, and press the button. I stand there, waiting for the little green man, flinching every time a car comes close to the pavement. In the one minute of waiting, my hands become clammy. I wipe them on my trousers, and fiddle with my fringe, the way I did on that one night in 2006.

The green man flashes up on the screen, signalling for me to go. I sprint to the other side of the road, not wanting to waste a second. I reach the other side safely, and sigh in relief. One day I could be not so lucky.

I walk to the Town Hall, trying to calm my shaking hands. Recently, I've noticed, my hands have been shaking a lot. Maybe I should get it checked out at the doctors. I could be something serious.

When seated in the chair at the very edge of the semi-circle, furthest away from any people, I finally relax a bit. I am one of the first people there, but after a while, a small group of people file in, and I end up sat next to an extremely scrawny, exhausted-looking man with a black emo fringe concealing half of his face. His hair is like mine, only black, and his fringe goes the opposite way. He stares down at his feet, trying not to make eye-contact with anyone. I feel sorry for him in a way, because looking at his body language, he is nervous as heck.

After a good ten minutes, when everyone has settled down, a man enters with a huge grin on his face.

"Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen!" he says cheerfully. "As you probably know, my name is Dave, and I run this support group! Now, you may, or may not have noticed that we have two new people joining us today." he gestures towards me and the man sitting next to me. Ah, that would explain why he looked so nervous! It's his first time too. "If you'd like to introduce yourself first, Phil?"

The man stands up, still looking at the ground. "Erm. Well, my name is Phil Lester, and I am twenty-four years old…" his northern accent trails off, as if thinking about what to say. "And, erm, I am here because… well, I am suffering with depression." He pauses again, and everyone thinks he's finished. "And I'm anorexic." He adds, taking his seat quickly.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Phil." Dave greets Phil. "Your turn now, Dan." All eyes are on me as I stand up.

"Hi. So, my name is Dan. I am 20 years old." I start. "And, I guess the reason I'm here is because…" _How do I put this? _"Well, I am dying. I mean I'm not, but I think I am…" I trail off. _Great going, Dan. You have an opportunity to make friends, and once again you make a fool of yourself. _I decide to bite the bullet and tell them the truth "Okay, I have Health Anxiety Disorder because I did weed _once…. _just once, but it changed my life forever." I sit down, and feel my cheeks burning. All I had to do was not make a fool of myself. Now it's my turn to stare down at the floor.

"Nice meeting you, Dan. I can only imagine what that's like." Dave seems genuinely sorry for me.

That's when I notice him. The man sat next to me – Phil – looking at me out of the corner of his eye. When he sees me looking, he turns away quickly, and goes back to staring at the floor.

*Phil's POV*

I pull my shoes on and put on a jacket. It's one of the hottest days in the summer, but I have to wear something on my arms to hide the cuts and scars on my arms.

After insuring that the front door is locked, I leave my flat to find my friend Luke waiting in his car, blasting my favourite MCR song 'Teenagers', as he always does.

"Hi, Phil!" he smiles at me.

"Hey, Luke." I reply, forcing a smile. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm… AHMAYZING!" he jokes, trying to cheer me up. I smile at him, making an unnatural giggle come out of my mouth. Despite my favourite son playing and my friend to cheer me up, I can't help but feeling flat, like I do every day.

The rest of the short journey does by in silence and five minutes later, Luke drops me off outside the Town Hall.

"Thanks for the lift!" I call back, as I approach the double doors.

I enter the Hall, and take a seat next to an anxious looking boy, with identical hair to mine, only his is a dark brown colour.

I wait for the Support Group to start, just staring at the floor like I usually do. But as I sit there, I can see in the corner of my eye, the boy with the brown hair glancing at me every minute or so. I am tempted so many times to look back at him and say hi, but I'm just too nervous.

When the thing actually starts it's a relief, until I have to introduce myself. I know there aren't very many people here, but public speaking is the worst. Especially when you're suffering from depression.

I decide to tell the truth, because there's not much point in lying. Tell them that I suffer from depression and anorexia. I don't care what they think anyway.

I had no idea that the boy next to me is new as well, so when he stands up to introduce himself, I listen.

"Hi. So, my name is Dan. I am twenty years old. And, I guess the reason I'm here is because…" his voice fades, and he stops to think. "Well, I am dying. I mean I'm not, but I think I am…. Okay, I have Health Anxiety Disorder because I did weed _once…. _just once, but it changed my life forever."

I don't know why, but I feel kind of sorry for him. He doesn't seem like the type of person to take drugs.

He sits down quickly and looks down at his feet, fiddling with his fringe. I try to watch him out of the corner of my eye. I don't know why, but all I want to do is stare at the boy next to me. To take on every small detail of his face.

I turn my head back to the ground, my cheeks flushing red as roses when he looks at me. But he doesn't drop his gaze. He just stares at the side of my face.

*Dan's POV*

I know full well that he can see me staring at him, but in that split second that we make eye contact, there was a strange feeling in my stomach. I diagnose it as butterflies, though I don't now why this emo man would give me butterflies in my stomach.

After a minute of him resisting me, he finally gives in. he turns his head and for the first time, I see the full detail of his face.

He has pale skin making the dark bags under his eyes stand out more. His hair is as black as the night, and oh my… those eyes. He has aqua blue eyes, like the ocean or the summer skies. Only his eyes aren't at all as happy as the summer skies. Is wonderful eyes are sad, turning the aqua blue ocean into raging waves, and the summer skies into a miserable thunderstorm.


	3. Chapter 3 - Hobbit Hair

*Phil's POV*

I lie awake most of that night, slipping in and out of dreams. These dreams are always the same. Those dreamy, chocolate brown eyes, staring at me. Every time I wake, I have that same tingly feeling in my stomach.

I can't make sense if why I feel this way, but something, deep within me is longing to speak to Dan.

But once again, my Mind is given too much time to think, and my brain wanders away into the dark forest of thoughts.

I think about my depression, and wish that I could find a way to escape this spiral of darkness. Most men my age have a life by now. They have a girlfriend, and maybe even a wife. Even children if they're particularly lucky. They are happy. And then here I am; stuck in the mind of a fifteen year old emo kid, still crying about my mother's death three years ago.

Oh. Here I go again. One thought of my mum, and I can't handle it. I let a tear escape me, and try to muffle a sob in my pillow. But once one tear has gone, the others follow. I just lie there for god knows how long, crying my heart out to my pillow.

I sob until I finally realise what I am doing. _Pull yourself together, you stupid men! She's gone! She's not coming back! Stop being so pathetic! _I mentally slap myself, and try to get back to sleep, clutching onto my stuffed toy lion.

This toy lion had been creatively named 'Lion' by five year old Phil. It was a birthday present from my mum, because it had been clear since a young age that I had a love for lions. Whenever I felt particularly lonely, I held on to Lion like my life depended on it. He held so many memories of my mum, it was unreal. Like the time we went camping, and mum had to fish him out of the lake, because I had thrown him in in a tantrum. Or the time when mum had to actually unplug the washing machine to get Lion out, because I had cried so much seeing him 'drowning' with a load of clothes.

I grin a little at the thought of five year old Phil, bawling his eyes out because of a toy lion, and I eventually fall asleep. My dreams continue, but this time they are a mixture between happy memories of my mum, and those brown eyes that just seem to be haunting me.

Little did I know, that the boy with the brown eyes was dreaming of_ my_ blue eyes.

*Dan's POV*

A wake late the next morning. But oh, what a dream! Those innocent aqua eyes have been staring at me all night!

I can't be bothered to get out of bed today, I've got nothing to do. I glance over at the clock. Its 11:15. I'll get up at twelve. I shut my eyes, and drift off easily into a comfortable sleep.

"DAN! Are you ready!?" My mum shouts up the stairs. I open my eyes, and roll over onto my back. _Ready for what?_

I try to shout 'for what?' but my voice hasn't woken up yet, and my words leave my mouth as a grumble.

I hear footsteps stomping up the stairs, and my door bursts open.

"DAN! Get up!" Mum yells, pulling my covers off me, making me shiver.

"Why?" I moan, pulling the covers back.

"Support group!" _Shit. I forgot. _I sit up abruptly, making the room spin a bit.

"Shit!" I say, jumping up, and reaching for my black skinny jeans. "When are we leaving?" I ask before mum leaves the room.

"In about ten minutes." She informs me, leaving and shutting the door behind her.

"Okay! I won't be long!" I call after her. I pull my jeans on, and walk over to the mirror. _No. That's certainly not okay. _I completely forgot I had a shower last night. And I look at the mess in front of me.

My own face stares back at me. _My hair! Oh shit my hair! _I gawp at my reflection. My hair is curly. It's ridiculously curly. My natural hair is as curly as fuck, and I hate it! In fact, I _despise_ it. I don't really know why, but it's horrible. It just doesn't suit me.

I look at the clock. Its 12:05pm we leave in five minutes! I'll never have time to straighten it! I sigh my surrender. I suppose I'll have to leave the house looking like a hobbit today.

I walk over to my wardrobe, and put on my favourite t-shirt – black, with a solar eclipse on the front.

I grab my phone, and look miserably in the mirror. _Oh boy, do I hate my Hobbit Hair._

*Phil's POV*

I get out of the car, saying goodbye to Luke, and head towards the Town Hall. I really hope Dan is there today.

I feel my heart drop a little when I walk in to find that Dan is nowhere to be seen. I take a seat where Dan sat yesterday, checking my watch. It's 12:17. He has three minutes to get here. I sit waiting, glancing up hopefully every time someone walks through the door, just hoping its Dan.

12:20 comes around and still no sign of Dan. Dave walks through the door, grinning widely the same as yesterday. He glances at the empty seat next to me.

"No Dan today, then?" he asks, stating the obvious. I shake my head miserably, before looking back at the ground. "That's a shame."

I remain staring at the floor for the next five minutes, until suddenly, there's a knock on the door, and a very flustered looking Dan runs in, his face red, and his hair…

His hair is curly! Omg, he looks so cute!

"Sorry I'm late!" he apologises to Dave, as he takes a seat next to me. I have no idea why, but my body tenses, and I suddenly feel very self-conscious. I sort my fringe out, clearing my face a bit.

The support group goes by, and I don't really listen to what Dave and the others are saying. During the hour long session, Dan and I just exchange awkward glances, before quickly looking away again.

"Right, that's it for today folks!" Dave calls when the hour is up. "I will see you all next Saturday, and I think we will have another person joining us!" he announces in an excited tone.

When I get out of the Town Hall, I notice Dan, stood by himself. He's probably waiting to be picked up. I look around. No sign of Luke yet. I see my opportunity, and approach Dan. Trying to be brave. Like a lion. My hands become clammy, and begin to shake as I approach the boy. I shove them in my pockets and clear my throat.

"Hey Dan." I say in a timid voice. He jumps, and looks at me in surprise.

"Oh! Hi Phil." He says, looking me in the eye for a second, before looking away again.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to make you jump."

"Oh no. its fine I was just…" his voice trails off into a mumble, and I can't help noticing his cheeks turning slightly pink. I dig deep down within me to find the heart of my inner lion that has been hidden for three years. I'm going to speak my mind.

"I like your hair." I say, my cheeks burning red hot. "I think it looks really nice like that." My cheeks turn even redder. He glances up at me.

"Sorry?" he asks me.

"You heard me. It suits you!" I say, truthfully, forcing a small smile.

"Oh… thanks. I hate it. It makes me look like a Hobbit." He jokes. And then I do something I haven't done in years. A genuine giggle leaves my mouth. I can tell it's genuine, because my tongue pokes out the corner of my mouth, like it did when my mum was still alive. But I can see where he's coming from, though. He looks like an oversized hobbit.

Luke pulls up in front of me, and I reluctantly get in the car.

"See you next Saturday, I guess." Dan says.

"Yeah, see you." I say, feeling I bit more light hearted than I did this morning.

*Dan's POV*

_He spoke to me! He spoke to me! He spoke to me! _That is all I can think for the rest of the day. I listen to Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance through my speakers that afternoon, just to try and take my mind off him, but…

_He spoke to me!_


	4. Chapter 4 - Keeping in Touch

*Phil's POV*  
The next couple of days go by extremely slowly. I sit playing video games, like I do most days, not leaving the house. That is basically my life; very little sleep and lots of video games and internet. I think on multiple occasions about Dan. About how pleased he looked when we spoke. About how he has that little dimple in his cheek when he smiles. About his lovely little Winnie the Pooh voice. Everything about him.

Its Thursday evening now, and I have had several dreams about the boy with the brown eyes. That face has been haunting me for days, and I can't wait another minute to talk to him. I just want to see his face. That is when the idea strikes in my mind.

I have no ways to communicate with Dan; I don't know where he lives, and I don't even know his phone number. But there is one thing I do have – Skype. There's no guarantee that he even has skype, but I can see a tiny light of hope on the horizon that I haven't seen for years, and I'm going to reach out and grab on to that hope before it's too late.

I grab my laptop, and without hesitation, open Skype. I type in his name 'Dan Howell' and press enter before I can change my mind. I know his surname because I have listened to every single word of his at that support group, and recall him saying it once. _Loading… Loading…_

"Damn you, internet!" I curse my laptop, willing it to load faster. A minute later, my laptop gives in, and Skype kicks into action.

There he is. My heart flutters when I see his name. I look closer, and read the name in brackets.

"Danisnotonfire?" I read out loud. I would doubt it was him if there wasn't a picture next to it. His beautiful face smiles at me, his eyes more prominent that ever, making my heart melt. Before I get lost staring, I click on his name, and wait impatiently, as I get closer and closer to speaking to Dan.

_Connecting… _my heart beats faster.

_Connecting…_ my hands start to shake.

_Connecting…_ A shocked face appears on my computer screen, his eyes look sleepy as he rubs them, and then continues to look at me in utter confusion.

"Phil?" he asks, fiddling with his fringe which still looks adorably curly.

"Hey." I say awkwardly, not really knowing what to say. He smiles at me, his little dimple showing.

"What do you want?" he asks. "Why are you skyping me?"

"I… I suppose I just wanted to talk." I admit. "I felt lonely." I add, feeling my cheeks blush pink. The thing is though, it's the truth. I felt lonely knowing that there was someone in the world that I genuinely wanted to talk to.

"Oh," he says, looking awkward, yet pleased at the same time.

"It's okay. If you don't want to talk, that's fine." I say, reaching for the disconnect button.

"Hey, Phil! Don't go!" he says, raising his voice a bit. "I do want to talk to you!"

"Really?" I ask barely believing my ears. _Someone actually wants to talk to me?_

"Yes, you idiot! Of course I do!" he says with a giggle. "The thing is…" he pauses, to think. "I've been wanting to talk to you all week. I just never knew what name to search." He tells me. "But 'LessAmazingPhil'? Really?"

"Yeah? What's wrong with it?" I question.

"Everything!" he yells at his laptop. "It's not even true, to start with!"

I snort. "Yeah it is!"

"Phil… stop being stupid!"

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are!" he insists. "And tomorrow, when I type AmazingPhil into skype, I want your picture to be there! Okay?" he smiles at me. What he doesn't realise is that what he just said meant a whole lot more to me than he thinks.

"Okay." I agree.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Good. How are you anyway?" Dan asks, staring into my eyes.

"I'm fine." I lie. I'm far from fine, but I'm not going to tell Dan that. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Are you coming to support group on Saturday?" Dan asks.

"Yeah, but I'm not really going for the support group." I tell him. _Oh, fricking hell Phil. How are you going to wiggle out of that one? _I accidentally spoke my mind, and now I'm going to have to tell him how I feel.

"Really? What do you go for then?"

"I erm… my friend wants me to go." I lie again. "He says it's to try and make me better."

"Oh, I know how you feel." He laughs. "Oh, I have to go now. Sorry, Phil."

"Oh. Okay, see you on Saturday."

"Bye!" And then he's gone. My heart deflates as the screen goes black. And suddenly, I wish I'd told him. I wish I'd told him that the real reason I am going to the support group on Saturday, is to see him.


	5. Chapter 5 - Lost in the Moment

*Dan's POV*

The skype call from Phil yesterday had really put me in an awesome mood. I had been thinking about typing in his name to Skype all week, but I didn't want him to think I was being a stalker or anything. When I saw the call coming through, my heart lifted, and I could have cried I was so happy. So today, I will make the first move.

I take my laptop, and type in 'AmazingPhil', like he promised to change it to yesterday. Sure enough, his face comes up, making me that little bit happier. I hated the fact that his self-esteem was so low he had to put 'less' at the beginning of the name. It literally cracked my heart. Without thinking twice, I click his name, and two seconds later, as if he was waiting for me, his lovely blue eyes appear. I can't help but notice his eyes look a little brighter than yesterday.

"Hey, Phil!" I say to my laptop.

"Hi!" he says smiling a bit. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm great!" I say. "How about you?"

"I'm better now." _Now that what?_ His face looks suddenly tense, like it did yesterday when he said that he's 'not actually going for the support group'.

"Better now what?" I ask him. He pauses, and looks around the room, stuttering slightly before he says something that I can't even hear.

"Sorry, what?" I ask.

"Nothing. It doesn't matter."

"Yes it does, Phil!" I push for an answer.

"No, it's fine!" he tries to convince me. "Honestly!"

"Phil! Tell me!" I urge. "Please?"

"Okay, okay!" he gives in. "I said, I'm better now that you called me. That's all!" I don't know what this feeling is, but it's weird. It's not butterflies. It's different. It's different in a nice way, though.

I don't know how to react, so I just smile at him for a minute, and if I am not mistaken, he smiles back. We get lost in the moment, just staring into each other's eyes. I love these moments, because even though it's silent, it's not awkward at all.

"Well at least now you know how I felt when you called me yesterday!" Both our cheeks blush pink and I smile at him again. But suddenly, he looks serious, and seems to be looking behind me.

"Wait. Dan, is that a toy Pikachu behind you?" I turn around to see my giant Pikachu toy slouched on the bed behind me.

"Erm, yeah…" I say, feeling embarrassed. Phil's face breaks out into a huge grin, and we spend the next forty minutes having an intense conversation about Pokémon. In that forty minutes, I find another thing that I absolutely love about Phil. The way his entire face lights up when he is talking about something he is passionate about. His eyes become bright, and his mouth moves into a lopsided grin.

After discussing everything we can think of about Pokémon, I finally pluck up the courage to ask him what I have been wanting to ask all day.

"Phil?" I say cautiously. "I was just wondering… Could I have your number?" My heart is beating fast now.

"Um, yeah, sure." He grabs his phone, and scrolls before holding his phone up to the camera. I scribble it down on my note pad, making sure I have every number right.

"Okay, done. Thanks Phil." He moves his Phone away from the camera, and I notice that he as a small grin on his face. "I'll text you in a bit, so that you have my number too."

"Okay, thanks." he says. I look at the time. _Shit_.

"I'm sorry, Phil, I have to go now." I say sadly. "It's Friday, and my parents force me to go out and 'socialise' with them on Fridays."

"Oh." He says quietly, a disappointed look on his face. "Okay."

"And by the way, by 'socialise', I mean go to the restaurant, and sit on my phone until the food comes." I laugh, because it's true.

"Okay then," Phil chuckles, "have fun 'socialising', and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye!" I wave at him through the camera, and reluctantly disconnect the call. Now I have to get ready.

After dressing into my usual choice of clothes (Black t-shirt, black shoes, black skinny jeans, and a dis-functional belt), am ready.

*Phil's POV*

I am sitting on my bed, playing Pokémon on my DS, when the first text comes through. I pick up my phone, my shaking hand nearly dropping it again. As I expected, it's Dan.

_Hey it's Dan __J_

_Hi, how's the socialising going?_

_Okay so far, I managed to get onto the curry house wifi, so I can go on tumblr __J_

I laugh a little at how incredibly un-sociable he's being. I can just imagine him.

The next night is sleepless, but with good reason. I spend the night texting Dan until 3am.


	6. Chapter 6 - Scars

*Phil's POV*

I wake with a start on Saturday morning, and feel surprisingly happier usual. The first thing I think about is Dan, and how happy he looked when I answered his skype call. His whole face lit up like a little child's does on Christmas day. His little dimples showed, and he just seemed so thrilled.

It's been nearly a week since I last felt the urge to hurt myself, and the cuts from last week have nearly faded to scars like the others. Ugly scars to remind myself of the past. And then I feel it again. That feeling like someone has dropped a stone in the bottom of my heart. I think about my mum, the only person in the world that I have ever truly trusted.

_No Phil, don't think about that. _I can hear my mums laugh from memory. _Stop it Phil, think about something else._ I can see her laughing, her tongue poking out the corner of her mouth like mine does. _Stop thinking, Phil._ I can smell the strawberry shampoo she used to use. _No, stop. _I remember everything I can about my mum in the space of ten seconds, and it hurts. I smash my face into my pillow, willing the pain to go away.

I need to stop this. I get up and go to the bathroom to take a shower. I need to do something to take my mind away from the bad things. I try my hardest not to think about mum, but her face seems to be stuck in my head. Half way through the shower, something catches my eye.

The razor blade in the corner of the shower, glinting in the sunlight coming from the window. I pick it up. These blades are what has got me so far. One cut won't matter, will it? I stand there for a moment, the good and bad inside me debating on whether or not to do it. The bad side wins.

I take the blade and run it down my arm. Pain rushes through me as the blood starts to seep out of the fresh wound on my arm. But the pain is bearable, because it covers over the heartache. The blood drops off my arm, into the water, and down the plughole. Gone.

I clear my mind, thinking about going to support group today. I will be able to see Dan today, and that alone gives me hope. I get dressed into my favourite hoodie, and quickly eat some lion cereal, and I am ready. I lock up my apartment, and go out to wait for Luke.

When Luke pulls up in his car, I notice someone sat in the back seat. A girl. A girl with the brightest red hair ever. She grins at me when I get in the car.

"Hey Luke!" I smile at Luke.

"Hi Phil!" he replies, returning the smile. "This is Emma." He gestures towards the girl in the back.

"Hi." She greets me, holding out a hand.

"Hey, I'm Phil." I say, accepting and shaking her hand, feeling aware of the fresh cut on my arm. "Are you going to the support group too?"

"Yeah. Luke wants me to." She says.

Within a matter of minutes, we have arrived at the Town Hall. After saying goodbye to Luke, Emma and I get out of the car and walk through the front doors into the building.

I feels as though my whole world lights up when I see Dan, sat in his usual seat on the end. And it makes me even happier to see that he's got his hand on the seat next to him as if he's saving it for me. It's probably just a coincidence, but there is always the possibility.

I take the seat next to him, and smile at him.

"Hey Phil!" he grins widely at me.

"Hi Dan!" I say cheerfully. "Oh, this is Emma, by the way." I say, pointing at the girl with the bright red hair next to me. "And Emma, This is Dan." I say, pointing at Dan.

"Hi!" Dan says.

"Hi Dan!" Emma holds out her hand, like she did to me. Dan shakes it.

"So, Phil. Are you okay?" Dan asks me.

"Yeah, I'm good!" I reply, making sure my sleeve is down properly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm better than okay!" he says, smiling. "Erm, Phil?"

"Yes?"

"I was wandering if you maybe wanted to go to costa after this?" he says, before blushing and looking down at the floor.

"Of course, Dan!" I say, giggling a little about how awkward he was.

"Really?" he says, looking up at me.

"Yes! You idiot!" I laugh, earning little smirk off Dan.

And now it's happening again. We get lost in each other's eyes, my round blue ones staring into his velvety brown ones. We stared at each other longer than socially acceptable, only looking away because Dave walks in.

"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen!" he calls out to the room. "Today, we are joined by a new member! Emma, if you'd like to introduce yourself?" Emma stands up boldly and speaks.

"Hello, I'm Emma Blackery, I am nineteen years old, and back in 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer." She speaks confidently. "Fortunately, the tumour was only small, so the doctors whipped that out in surgery. But unfortunately, I went through chemo, so this," she points at her hair, "is just a wig!" she takes her seat.

*Dan's POV*

With Emma gone, Phil and I walk down the road peacefully, the sun blazing on our backs. I don't know what made me ask Phil to go with costa with me, but I'm glad I did, because I love talking to him. His is such an interesting person compared to the emo guy you see on the outside.

When we get to costa, I buy the coffees, and Phil saves a table for us outside. I walk outside, and I am just passing him his drink when I see it. As he reached out to take his drink, his sleeve went up his arm a bit. I couldn't be sure what I saw, but I didn't like what I thought I saw.

"Phil, what's that?" I ask nervously.

"What?" he asks, trying to casually pull his sleeve down.

"That." I say, reaching for his arm. He pulls away, but I am too fast for him. I grab his arm and roll up his sleeve. I let out a gasp when I see his arm

It is covered in scars.


	7. Chapter 7 - I'm Sorry

*Phil's POV*

He is just silent for a minute, staring in shock at the scars that cover my arm. I feel ashamed. That is all I can feel right now, but apart from that I am numb. I feel as though I am frozen to the spot, unable to escape. _What will Dan think of me now?_ He won't want to be friends with me after this. Now he has seen the demon within me, and what I really am.

A minute later, his look of shock changes. I can't be a hundred percent sure, but he looks genuinely worried. He finally breaks the silence.

"Phil, what is this?" Dan asks the only question that has an obvious answer.

"It's nothing." I say, trying to pull my arm away, but Dan has a firm grip on my wrist.

"No Phil. It's definitely not nothing!" Dan says, raising the volume a little. My heart is racing as I try to make an excuse. But there is no escaping this, Dan is not stupid. I look up at him, and for the first time, I can see how much Dan actually cares. His beautiful chocolate brown eyes are glistening with tears.

"Dan, it's okay!" I assure him. "I'm okay!"

"No Phil!" he speaks in a shaky voice now. "You're obviously not okay!" his voice quivers at the end, and a single tear rolls down his cheek, making my heart shatter into a million little pieces.

"I'm sorry." I say quietly, feeling the back of my eyes burning with tears. "I'm sorry." I repeat. I will the tears to stay back, but before I know it, I can barely see through the tears that build up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I hear Dan get up, and my heart dives down even lower. _He's going _I think. _But why would anyone want to be friends with you anyway? _I'm right. No one in their right mind would be friends with me.

All of my feelings turn to anger. White hot anger. Not at Dan, though, because he's done nothing wrong. I am furious with myself. _Why did I do this? Why am I so stupid? Why can't just be normal? Why? _I finally give in. I blink, and the first tear falls. Followed by another. And another. How stupid I must look, sat here alone, crying to myself.

And then I feel two arms around me, hugging me tight. Dan. I let out a small sob of relief into his shoulder, smelling the minty scent of his black clothes. _He didn't leave me!_ I don't know why he's still here, but he is, and that means something to me. He hugs me tighter, making me forget completely about the world and the people around us. In this moment, it's just me and him in this little world.

*Dan's POV*

I don't know what possessed me to do it. It just happened. One minute I was sat opposite him, inspecting the many scars on his arm, and the next minute I was sat next to him, holding onto him like the world depended on it. I didn't know what to feel at first. _Angry? Worried? Scared? _I don't even know if hugging him is the right thing to do. But when I hear the little sob, I know I am doing the right thing, and it only wants me hold him tighter. I feel sorry for the blue eyed boy in my arms, and I want to try my hardest to make him feel better.

"I'm sorry." He repeats for the third time.

"Don't be." I whisper in his ear.

After about five minutes when we finally break apart, he looks me square in the eye. He wipes away his tears and speaks to me quietly.

"Thank you, Dan." He smiles at me.

"For what?" I ask, confused.

"For not judging me." he says quietly.

"Why would I do that?"

"Well, I don't know. Most people see the scars and just walk away." It physically hurts me to hear him say that. Why would anyone walk away from such an amazing person? Once again I find myself getting lost in his wonderful eyes. Those eyes that shine so bright when he smiles, but switch back quickly to being so dark and lost when he is upset. I want them to be permanently bright.

And that's when I know. In the past week, I have grown to care for this boy. I don't know how I know. Maybe it's just my gut feeling, or maybe it's the fact that when we stare into each other's eyes, we stare a little too long to be 'just friends'.


	8. Chapter 8 - Nicknames

**Not sure about this chapter, but oh well! hope you enjoy it, and thanks for reading! xx**

*Phil's POV*

My heart sinks as I disconnect skype. Dan and I have been skyping each other every day for the past four days, but I still long to be with him. I enjoy Dan's company, which means a lot really, considering for the past three years I have done nothing but avoid human company.

But my friendship with Dan is different to the other friendships I have had. Since the incident at costa last Saturday, I feel as though I can share anything with Dan. On Sunday night, I made the mistake of looking at some old photos of my mum. As usual, I ended up in tears and if it wasn't for Dan, I probably would have picked up the blade again.

I desperately wanted to get rid of the pain in my heart, but I didn't want to upset Dan again. One simple phone call made me happy. Being able to talk to Dan made me happy again. He talked me out of cutting myself. He told me I was okay. He just talked to me until the tears stopped, and I am grateful for that.

Dan is the closest friend that I have ever had to be honest. I have never really been the 'popular kid', I have always just been the little ginger kid in the corner of the class all alone. I was the reason the bullies got extra dinner money. I was the reason I was bullied. I was picked on because I was me, and that's what they hated me for. But Dan is the light that shows me the way in the dark. He is the light in my eyes, the colour in the rainbow, and the shimmering moon in the dark night.

Dan is the reason I wake up so early on the morning of the day we plan to meet. He is the first thing on my mind, and that makes waking up so much better. I look forward today like a child does to Christmas.

*Dan's POV*

Leaves fall and twirl like ballet dancers in the wind, as Phil and I make our way to costa. I don't care about the bitter cold that signals the first sign of winter. I am just happy to be walking side by side with Phil.

Phil's phone call the other night destroyed me, thinking about how sad he must be to want to do that to himself. He sounded so scared, as he pleaded me to help him. He really didn't want to do it, but he nearly couldn't resist. I just wanted to be there with him, to make him happy. I did my best to calm him over the phone, and I think it worked. Well, I hope it worked.

We are sitting inside in silence, watching the first raindrops fall. We have been silent for some time now, but I can't help noticing Phil looking at me out of the corner of my eye. I turn to face him.

"What are you looking at?" I giggle at how quickly he tries to look away.

"Nothing!" he says looking out of the window again.

"Yes you were! You were staring at the side of my head!" he goes slightly pink in the cheeks at my comment, and looks away from the window, and straight into my eyes, as though he is trying to read my thoughts.

"Maybe I was." He says, a lop-sided mirk spreading across his face. His eyes are twinkling again. I love it when he looks happy like this. It makes me remember that there's a different person inside him other than the guy who rang me in tears on Sunday.

As we sit there, sipping at our hot chocolates, and Phil making a massive mess with his cream and marshmallows, I notice him taking sneaky glances in my direction. I notice him staring into my eyes when we are talking. I notice a spark in his eye that I have never seen before.

For the past thirty minutes, we have been talking about random stuff as we usually do, and somewhere along the line, we stumbled across the topic of childhood. _Great._

"When I was little, my parents used to call me 'Philly'!" Phil tells me, giggling at the memory.

"Philly‽" I say, scrunching my nose up. "Actually, it quite suits you, Philly!"

"Dan!" he says, laughing. "I'm warning you! You dare call me Philly!" I break down laughing then, shortly followed by Phil. We just sit there laughing for no apparent reason. We laugh until our stomachs hurt. And if everything Phil does was adorable before, it is nothing compared to this. When Phil laughs, his tongue pokes out the corner of his mouth and his whole face scrunches up with happiness.

"What are we _even_ laughing at?" I say, holding my stomach.

"I don't know!" Phil says, taking deep breaths until he has calmed down a bit.

"'Philly' is nowhere near as bad as my child hood nickname!" I assure him.

"What's yours then?" Phil asks, giggling. He told me his, so I will tell him mine.

"Bear." I say, waiting for the eruption of laughter. It doesn't come.

"Oh my god, Dan!" he smiles, staring into my eyes again. "It suits you!"

"No it does not!" I shout a little too loudly, getting some looks from the people around us. I hate my nickname.

"Bear." Phil says it slowly, as though analysing the word. "Like Pooh Bear? Winnie the Pooh?" he bursts out laughing again, his tongue poking out adorably.

"Oh, Phil! How did you guess?" I already know the answer of course. My stupid Winnie the Pooh voice from years of my childhood watching the cartoon.

"Your accent, of course!" _Yup there it is._

"Phillip Lester! You will massively regret saying that!" I glare at him jokingly, but I am not able to keep a straight face for long, and we find ourselves laughing again, at something that is not even funny.

We laugh and mess around like we are kids, and it is the best thing ever. To feel young and forget about my troubles. When I am with Phil, I am at my happiest.

I don't want to leave Phil. I want to stay and talk and laugh, and keep Phil happy. I know that as soon as I turn away from him I will feel empty again, like I did two weeks ago. Before I met this boy. When it comes to saying goodbye, I have the strange temptation to hug him. I just want to hug him and never let go. But that would be weird.

But I think I may have been right. I can't be sure, but I think I am in love with the guy with the black hair and the blue eyes, and it confuses the fuck out of me.


	9. Chapter 9 - What is Love?

**Ch8**

*Dan's POV*

What does love feel like? I wouldn't know having never been in love before, but if I could guess then I would say the feeling I get in my stomach every time I see Phil. That is love.

I have thought it over and over in the past week, and every Skype or phone call with Phil gives me a little more confirmation. Stupid Dan Howell is in love with his best friend.

I have always had my suspicions. I have never really been one of the boys that have a chain of girlfriends. I have always been the single guy, sat listening to My Chemical Romance at the back of the class, sitting aside as the other boys are muttering excitedly about the popular girls. Now it has been confirmed, and I guess the bullies were right about me. I am gay.

And now, all I want to do is scream. I am free from the bullies now, and I just want to scream in their faces: 'YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!' I want to scream because the weight of uncertainty has been lifted off my chest. I feel free.

But all is not over. I need to tell my parents, I need to tell Phil. But will I be able to? To actually tell my best friend that I am in love with him? I doubt it.

My hands start to tremble as I pick up my laptop. I'm going to tell him I am gay. I have to, but I won't tell him everything. I won't tell him who I love.

His smiling face shows up on the screen, which makes me happy. He has been smiling more often lately, and I savour the moments like they are jewels. His smile makes me happy.

"Hi Dan!" Phil chimes.

"Hey Phil! How are you?" I ask, my heart beating faster knowing that I am getting closer the moment I actually tell him.

"I'm good!" He replies. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I tell him. I decide to jump straight in and tell him. "Actually, Phil." I start.

"What?" He encourages.

"I have something to tell you." There's no turning back now. He nods for me to carry on. "Erm..."

The screen flickers, and then goes blank. The connection broke.

"For fuck sacke!" I shout to no one in particular. I was just about to tell him. Why would the universe do that to me?! My phone buzzes and I pick it up to see Phil's name on the screen.

_Sorry I lost connection. What did you want to tell me?_ But the moment is gone. I can't tell him so I just reply:

_Nothing. It doesn't matter_.

_Okay see you tomorrow _

I slam my face into my pillow. Why was I so stupid? I could have told him just then! It would have been easier and much less awkward, but no! I had to mess up. Now I have to tell my parents. Great.

As I walk down the stairs, I cross my fingers, along with every other possible thing to cross. I am not religious, however I say a mental prayer, just hoping that they will take it okay.

I find them where they are every day; sat in front of the television and pigging out on crisps. I put my hands in my pocket, hoping that it will hide the shaking. Clearing my throat, I start.

"Erm... Mum? Dad?" They look up at me with blank expressions on their faces. "I… um… I have something to tell you."

"What?" Dad asks arrogantly, obviously wanting to carry on watching the TV.

"Umm, well…"

"Spit it out!" Dad pushes me.

"Err, I don't really know how to put this, but… I'm gay." Wow. I have never actually said it before. The full effect of what I have just decided hits me like a football in the stomach. I feel the back of my eyes burning, but I manage to keep the tears back.

I look up at the two people sat in front of me. Their faces are blank and emotionless at first, as they process the fact that their son just came out. But then their expressions change. They glare at me with a look of disappointment and fury. Their angry eyes burn holes in me, as I stand there before them. I can feel the rage radiating off them, and the hatred of me is contagious. Why do I have to be the different one? Why can't I just be normal like everyone else?

Without me noticing, my emotions get the better of me. The tears overflow, and I find myself storming out of the room. And then out of the house, slamming the door behind me. I storm down the street, tears streaming down my face, and no idea where I am going. I just want to get far away. Away from the hateful eyes, away from everything.

I finally decide to stop at a bench on the side of the road. I sit down, and take some deep breaths trying to calm my breathing. Judging by the look on my parents faces, they weren't at all happy with me. That's what I hate about my parents. They think I have to be perfect. I had to get good grades at school, I have to do everything they want me to do, but apparently, most of all, they want me to be straight, and I can't help them there.

I don't know how long I sit there with my head in my hands, but in the time I am there, the sun has gone down. I have to go back eventually, so I get up and trudge back up the road. If my parents really cared, they would have come looking for me. My house comes into sight.

I wipe away the tears that have been pouring down my face, and walk on, trying to be positive. When I arrive, the door is locked, so I know three times. After what seems like forever, I see someone moving through the glass, making me feel nervous. My hands start to get clammy.

The door opens, and Dad stares back down at me. His eyes are filled with red hot rage, which seem to plant me to the spot. I don't move, I just stand there awkwardly. After a minute of this, my Dad finally speaks

"Get out." He says shortly.

"What?!" I ask, hardly believing my ears.

"I said get out! _Leave_!" he exclaims, stressing the last word. His words hit me in the face, and I feel a lump in my throat.

"You're actually throwing me out?!" I say, raising the volume a bit.

"Yes." Dad says shortly.

"You're actually throwing your own son out?!" I nearly shout. He moves his face so close to mine that I can feel his breath. His angry green eyes stare directly into my terrified brown ones, and I stare right back. When he speaks I feel spit flick off every syllable.

"You're no son of mine." And with that he slams the door.


	10. Chapter 10 - Little World of Music

*Phil's POV*

I haven't heard off Dan all weekend, and he wasn't at Support Group yesterday or today. He isn't answering any of my calls or texts, and to be honest, I am starting to get worried. My mind jumps to imagining worst case scenarios every time I think about him, which is all the time. _What if he's ill? What if he's fallen out with me for some reason? What if he's dead?_

Every so often, I feel myself wonder off into the dark corners of my mind, and then for the next hour I can't do anything other than rock backward and forwards in the corner of my room, trying to push the thoughts from my mind, and telling myself that I am lying to myself.

Although I try not to, I have started to go back to the way I was before I met Dan. I have hardly eaten a thing since Dan wasn't at Support Group, and it physically hurts my heart every time I check my phone to see nothing.

My dreams – or should I say nightmares – have been filled with horrifying images of Dan, which I don't want to even think about. But every time these thoughts get the better of me, I blast My Chemical Romance through my speakers, which is what I am doing now.

"They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me!" I scream along to the song, not caring if anyone can hear my terrible singing. I lay on my bed, screeching the lyrics until my throat is sore. I don't even realise that my window is open, or that the sky is pitch black outside.

*Dan's POV*

I don't know what went through my mind when dad said that to me, I just ran. I ran far, far away, faster and further than I ever knew I could run. I just wanted to get away from the ringing of his voice in my ears: '_You're no son of mine.' _Over and over I heard his voice, and I can still hear it now. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still see the disappointment in his eyes.

Over the past couple of days, this bench has become my home. And by home, I mean the only place I feel welcome. There are no parents to yell at me, no brothers to bully me. No one. Just the tweets of the birds and the occasional car passing down this quiet country road.

However, the days have been long, and the nights have been cold. The lack of food has had an obvious affect already. Even I can tell that I have lost weight rapidly over the weekend, and if you look closely, you can almost see my ribs. The rain the other night gave me water, but not much. My mouth is dry, and I know that I cannot carry on like this. Eventually, I will die.

But I don't care if I die anymore. My fears of dying have passed over, and the pain of rejection has taken over. Ever since Friday night, death has been an easier option than living on this bench for the rest of my life.

I have thought of this over and over again, and now I have a death wish. The last thing I want to see before I die is Phil's beautiful blue eyes. That is the other thing I have thought about this weekend: Phil. I wonder about how he is. I think about if he has missed me at all. Probably not. To him, I am just his friend, I am the idiot who loves my best friend.

Tonight, as I lie staring at the sky, I hear something coming from a nearby house. It's quite hard to hear at first, but I can make it out as a song. Upon listening closer, I hear that it is my favourite song. I quietly sing along to myself.

"They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me. They could care less, as long as someone'll bleed..." The music takes my mind away from the events of the weekend. I forget about where I am, or who I am. I forget my troubles in the little world music, and I sing along to every song, every word.

I finally fall asleep, and enter dream upon dream of Phil. From his glistening aqua eyes, to the way his tongue pokes out the corner of his mouth when he laughs. It is the best sleep I have had on this damned bench.

The first thing I feel when I wake up is pain. A sharp pain in my stomach, which feels as though it came from some one's foot. My eyes open abruptly, and I see that I am on the road. I see the feet of two people stepping around me, and wince as I feel the feet kicking me in various parts of my body.

I let out a scream, hoping that someone, somewhere will hear me. I don't know who is attacking me, or why they are attacking me, but after eight or nine blows to the head, black spots begin to cover my vision. The voices around me become quiet and muffled, and the pain all over my body gets worse. My whole body begins to shut down as I accept the fact that I am probably going to die soon. But suddenly, everything stops. The kicks stop, and I sense another person nearby.

I use all of my strength to open my eyes, but I am glad I did. The sight I see before me helps me see a beacon of light in the distance. I open my eyes just in time to see a tall man with black hair punch one man square in the face. The two masked men run, but the black haired man doesn't bother. He runs straight to me.

"Dan?" I hear someone say in the distance. The voice sounds familiar, but I can't tell who it belongs to. All I know is that the voice sounds kind, and it gives me comfort.

My eyesight is blurred, but in a split second, I recognise the face above me. Unexpected butterflies start rampaging inside my stomach. I see his blue eyes, wide in terror before the black spots completely cover my vision, and everything goes quiet.

But I rest at ease knowing that the person holding me in his arms is Phil.


	11. Chapter 11 - The Reason

*Phil's POV*

My hands shake like crazy as I lay Dan down on the sofa and start to wipe the blood from his face. As I watch his chest rise and fall, a million questions fly through my head. _Who had done this to him? Why had they done this to him? Why was Dan there in the first place? _I try and fail to make sense of it, but he starts to stir so I drop everything.

I stare at his bruised face as his eyes flutter open, a look of confusion on his face.

"Dan?" I say, trying to sound calm, but on the inside all I want to do is scream and jump up and down. I'm just so happy to see his eyes open again. "How do you feel?" he looks at me, startled, as though he hadn't noticed me.

"Phil…" he starts, sitting up suddenly and making his head go fuzzy judging by the way he clutches his head. "Where are we?" he asks, a look of alarm in his widened brown eyes.

"Hey, chill out!" I say, smiling. "We're at mine."

"What happened?" he questions me.

"You were attacked." I tell him. "There were two men, and they –"

"No, you idiot!" he smiles weakly. "What happened after? What happened to the men? Who were they?"

"Dan, I'll tell you in a minute. But first," I say, looking him in the eye, "will you _please_ tell me what happened? Well, what you can remember, anyway."

He nods, and stops to think, and then suddenly he has tears in his eyes.

"Dan, what's the matter?" I ask, putting my hand on his shoulder. I hate to see him upset. He shakes his head and tries to blink back the tears, but it doesn't last because suddenly he is sobbing. And five seconds after that he is sobbing into my shoulder. My mind sub-consciously decided to hug him, but I'm glad it did. After about two minutes, he pulls away wiping his eyes.

"I'm sorry." He says with a sniff.

"It's okay." I assure him. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, you know."

"I have been living on that bench all weekend." He tells me in a hoarse voice from crying. "I would have called you, but I didn't have my phone."

"But Dan, why were you living on a bench in the first place?" I ask, pitying the injured boy sat before me.

"I told my parents something they didn't like." He says shortly. I raise a questioning eyebrow, pushing him to continue, but he just shakes his head and wipes away another tear.

"Dan, please tell me." I push. "It's okay, I won't tell anyone."

"My parents kicked me out!" He says, raising his voice a little. "Okay?" I think I can actually hear my heart breaking. Hearing him say it like that is horrible. He sounds so heartbroken and angry.

"Oh my god, Dan!" I say. "I'm so sorry!"

"It's not your fault." He says quietly as even more tears trickle down his face. I am glad he told me, but there's still one question on the tip of my tongue. _Why did they throw him out?_ In the minute silence that follows, I have an internal argument on whether or not I should ask.

_'Just ask, he won't mind' _one part of me says in a devilish voice. However there is another voice in my head as well. _'Don't ask! It will come across nosy! Anyway, he only just told you that!' _says the other, less satanic voice.

I am thrown between asking him and holding my tongue, but in the end, my curiosity gets the better of me.

"Why, Dan?" I say gently, trying to hide the biting eagerness within me. He stares down at his feet biting his lip, contemplating whether he should tell me. "Dan?"

"Just back off Phil!" he suddenly lashes out. "Stop being so bloody nosy! It's none of your business!"

"Dan, I –" I am speechless. I wasn't expecting that response.

"Why do you even care anyway?!" he yells at me, his angry eyes glaring into mine.

"I was just trying to help." I say feebly. He turns his head, and continues to stare at the floor "I'll just go then." I say, before leaving the room and closing the door quietly behind me.

Once hidden from Dan, I let all of my feelings flow out. I sob silently to myself. I have mixed feelings about what just happened. I am worried about the state Dan is in. I am confused at why he was attacked in the first place. I am curious about why his parents threw him out. I am angry at how he reacted. But most of all, there's a strange feeling in my heart. It's a sort of longing, regretful feeling that I can't quite identify.

*Dan's POV*

I don't know why I exploded. It just upset me to re-live the events of the weekend in my head. I know Phil was only trying to help me, but inside me emotionally unstable head, it came across as nosy. And I just flipped.

He sounded genuinely worried, and I just threw it all back in his face. Phil was most probably the closest friend I have ever had in the twenty years I have lived on this planet, and this is how I treat him? I don't deserve to have friends, anyway. After everything Phil did for me; bringing me back here, cleaning me up, and trying to understand, and I just treated him like shit.

When the door shut it felt worse. The pain in my heart was unreal, and I wanted it to stop. The door shutting felt like Phil was saying goodbye, and it hurt.

I couldn't be sure, but I swear I could hear him crying through the door. I wanted to run through the door and hold him tight. I wanted to apologise for being such an arse. But I didn't have the guts, and I still don't now. I sit in the exact same position an hour later, still crying my regret.

Suddenly, the door opens to my right, and Phil appears, carrying a steaming mug of tea. He sets it on the coffee table in front of me, and turns to walk out, but I stop him.

"Phil, wait." He turns around to look at me. "Phil, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for being such an idiot, I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that." He stands there, and for a moment I think he is going to walk out, but then he comes and sits beside me, making my heart feel ten times lighter.

"No, Dan. _I'm_ sorry." He says, putting his pale hand on my knee, giving me butterflies in my stomach. "I shouldn't have been so nosy. I knew you didn't want to tell me, and I should have just left it there."

"Phil, I should have just told you." I say. "Which is why I am going to tell you now."

"Dan, you don't have to if you don't want to." He says.

"No, Phil. The reason my parents kicked me out is because…" I take a deep breath. "…I'm gay."


	12. Chapter 12 - Toast or Lion Cereal?

**I really enjoyed writing this chapter, so i hope you enjoy it! Also, THANKYOU so so much to EVERYONE who is still reading! :)**

*Phil's POV*

Fresh tears spill down his already wet face, and anger rises up in me at Dan's parents. These two people who I have never met before seem to be my worst enemies. How could they disown their own son, just because he is gay?

"Oh Dan, I'm so sorry." I say, resting my hand across his shoulders.

"You need to stop doing that!" he says, smiling through the tears.

"Doing what?" I question.

"Apologising for everything!" he tells me. "It's not your fault!"

"Okay." Is all I manage to say. What Dan doesn't realise is that I _am_ sorry. I'm sorry that his parents threw him out, I'm sorry that he's been homeless for the weekend, but most of all I'm sorry that I didn't find him sooner. The thought that he has been sleeping literally two-hundred yards away, starving, while I have been endlessly thinking about him makes my insides ache.

"And thank you, Phil." He says, looking up into my eyes.

"For what?" I ask.

"For saving me." he says honestly. I raise my eyebrows at him quizzically. "Well, I f you hadn't have come to save me, I would probably be dead right now." The thought of Dan dying makes shivers run down my spine, and I fight to keep tears back. I don't know what to say to that, so I move on.

"Well you can stay here. The spare room's free."

"Thanks, Phil." He says with a smile. Suddenly, I hear a massive roar of hunger coming from his stomach.

"Oh my god, Dan! You must be starving!" I exclaim. "Do you want to order pizza or something?"

"Sounds like a plan!" he says, wiping away the remaining tears, and looking up at me with a look of admiration in his eye.

*Dan's POV*

Doesn't time fly when you're having fun? I think it does. Well, at least it does tonight. Up until two in the morning eating pizza and watching anime would usually be a pretty regular night for me, but there is something special about tonight, and that is that I am with Phil. The guy who has literally taken me under his wing today.

We finally trudge off to bed, tired eyes, and so full of pizza, I think I could pop.

"Erm, the spare room is just through there." Phil points towards a door to the left. "And the bathroom is there." He points to the door opposite.

"Okay, goodnight." I say with a grin.

"G'night." He smiles, as he walks towards another door.

"Phil!" I call. There's just one more thing I want to say. "Thank you."

"No problem!" he says with a twinkle in his eye.

I lie on the bed in the spare room, just staring at the ceiling. I can't shut my eyes, because if I do, all I can see is those piercing blue eyes, staring into mine. My eyes feel tired, but my mind is buzzing and I don't even know why. I think the thought that Phil is literally lay metres away from me.

Somehow I manage to get to sleep, and once I do, it's the best sleep I have had in ages.

There's a soft knock on the door, and I hear footsteps walking towards me. I open my eyes, to see Phil placing a mug on the bedside table. He is wearing a Pokémon hoodie, with cookie monster pyjama bottoms, and odd socks. I have to admit, it is beautiful thing to wake up to.

"Morning!" he says quietly, smiling a smile that shines this early in the morning.

"Hey." I mumble, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I feel him sit on the end of the bed, and my heart starts to beat a little faster. _Oh Dan, stop being pathetic_ I scold myself, as I sit up

"How do you feel?" Phil asks, looking at the side of my face, which I presume is still bruised.

"Alright." I say. "Fairly achy, if I'm honest but I'm okay. You?"

"I'm okay." He tells me. "Erm, Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"I was wondering if you wanted to go into London this afternoon." He blushes a little. "Only if you feel like it though."

"Sounds great!" I say, condensing and over-enthusiastic smile into a small grin.

"Cool! What would you like for breakfast?"

"What have you got?" I ask, hearing my stomach rumble a bit.

"Toast or Lion cereal?" he replies.

"Lions sound great!" I say, chuckling slightly.

"Lion cereal it is then!" He marches out of the room like he's on a mission. Oh god, he's so adorable! After some crashing and clattering noises from downstairs, I hear him marching up the stairs again. I am surprised to see he has brought two bowls up.

"Ooh, breakfast in bed?" I joke. He giggles as he passes me a bowl, and sits on the end of the bed with the other. _He actually chose to sit and eat breakfast with me. _Suddenly, I am very conscious of everything I do. I try to eat as tidily as possible, I sit up straight, and I glace in the mirror every now and again, just to make sure my hair looks okay.

*Phil's POV*

The evening sun shines down on our backs as we sit outside a small café, sipping on hot chocolate, and watching the London Eye go round and round. This has been one of the best days of my life so far, better than any birthdays or Christmases. Just spending time with Dan, laughing together, having fun.

I didn't like seeing him upset yesterday, so today I just wanted to cheer him up. Judging by his permanent grin today, I think it worked. But there's one more thing I want to do before we go home.

"Hey, Dan?" I start.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to go on the Eye?" I ask, talking a little too quickly.

"Really?" he asks, with what sounds like a mixture of fear and excitement.

"Yeah!"

"Okay." he says, and I can tell by his hesitant tone that he has never been on it before.

After finishing our drinks, we head over to the sky high machine. After a ten minute wait, we are sat in a compartment all to ourselves.

Up we go. Higher and higher. I watch as the world below us gets slowly smaller and smaller. I look across at Dan, who is sat looking out, with a scared expression on his face.

"Hey, why the long face?" I joke.

"I'm, erm, I'm kind of afraid of heights." He smiles timidly, not breaking eye contact.

"Don't be afraid." I say quietly, getting lost in his gorgeous brown eyes. Those eyes that I have been dreaming about for weeks. Those eyes that I have gazed into many times before. Those eyes that right now, I am moving slowly closer towards.

I don't remember deciding to lean in, it was probably just another one of my brain's sub-conscious decisions that it has started to make. Our lips collide, momentarily, before he pulls away. For a second I think it's for good, but after a few seconds of Dan's smiling eyes looking directly into mine, he leans in.

His soft warm lips move in unison with mine, and the butterflies I had to begin with have developed into rampaging rhinoceroses, making my insides squirm with a new-found happiness. I wrap my arms around him, running my hands through his silky brown hair.

My heart is beating like crazy, and right now the rest of the world doesn't exist. It's just me and Dan, here.

I feel physically and mentally on top of the world.

*Dan's POV*

A thousand feelings go through my body all at the same time, making me go stiff. Phil is kissing me. I can't help but pull away, I have to let out a smile. Our eyes lock for a few seconds, and I can almost feel the energy beaming off him. I stare into his eyes, which seem to have little specs of green and yellow in them too, making them even more magnificent. I can't believe it; after three weeks of fantasising, it is finally happening for real.

We only break apart once on our descent back to earth. For a moment we just look at each other, trying to calm our breathing. But then we just burst out laughing. We laugh until tears run down our faces and our stomachs hurt.

I feel like I have had the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. Phil finally knows how I feel, and I know how he feels. We come to a stop, finally back down to earth.

We stand at the bus stop, side by side, stealing glances of one another every now and again. All I want to do is kiss him, but there are other people here, so I better not. Instead, I grab his hand.

His hand feels cold against my skin, but fits perfectly in mine. I feel his body tense a little bit, and he looks around at me. I look straight back, to see one look on his face: Pride. He gives my hand a squeeze, and our fingers intertwine, and our hands fit together like two jigsaw pieces.


	13. Chapter 13 - Super-Natural

*Phil's POV*

Through the corner of my eye, I can see Dan looking at me as we travel home on the bus. I look across at the boy sat next to me, who is still clutching onto my hand like if he lets go I'm going to run away. Despite the dull lighting in the messy bus, I can still make out his pretty face; he has a small lop-sided grin on his face, which makes his gorgeous dimples show, especially in this light. And his eyes are staring right at me, in a way that I think looks like the heart eyes emoji.

"Hey, Howell!" I say, clicking my fingers in front of his face and giggling at how far away he looks. "What planet are you on?"

"Hmm?" he mumbles, the glassy look leaving his eyes as he smiles at me. "Oh, I'm just tired." He pretends to be interested in the floor down the centre of the bus, trying to hide the pink blush showing on his cheeks. I can't help it. I lean across and plant a small kiss on his cheek, before blushing slightly myself, and looking out the window at the dark shadows of trees that are whizzing past outside.

"Phil?" asks the quiet voice of Dan beside me.

"Yeah?" I say, looking round to see him looking at me again.

"Does this make _us _official?" he asks, as heat rushes to his cheeks again.

"Yeah, I suppose it does." I reply. The thought makes my tummy flip, but I tell myself not to be so stupid; we only first kissed about two hours ago.

With no warning, he leans into me and rests his head on my shoulder, making my insides buzz with energy. I wrap my arm around him, and lean my head on his. This is where I find my happiness. This is the only place in the world that I feel truly loved and wanted. In no time at all, I drift off into an easy sleep.

"Excuse me, sirs?" asks an awkward voice above me. I open my eyes to see the bus driver stood by the side of me and Dan, who are still cuddled together on the back of the bus. "We are here."

"Oh, okay!" I say, sitting up quickly. "Sorry." I apologise to the wrinkled moustached man in front of me. "Dan, we're home!" I say, shaking Dan's shoulder gently. His brown eyes flutter open, and he sits up to face me, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

We thank the bus driver, and without words we exit the bus onto the quiet country lane outside. We have a short walk, and then we will be home. I feel Dan shivering slightly beside me, so I wrap my arm around him to keep him warm.

Our surroundings are completely black, apart from the glimmering stars above our heads, and the dim light of my phone to guide us. The only sound is the sound of our breathing, our rhythmical footsteps, and suddenly, the mating scream of a fox.

Beside me, Dan jumps out of his skin and swears loudly.

"What the fuck was that?!" he exclaims, clutching so hard onto my hand that it hurts.

"Nothing! Just a fox!" I say, giggling at how utterly petrified he sounds. "Chill out!"

"Phil, you do realise that this is my worst nightmare?"

"What is?"

"Darkness." He says quietly.

"You're afraid of the dark?" I push.

"Yeah." He says, quieter than before. "Well it sounds stupid, but you never know, any super-natural thing could be hiding in the shadows, waiting to attack you!"

"Wait, Dan. Slow down!" I start. "Super-natural?"

"Yes, I know what you're going to say! 'Super-naturals and aliens don't exist!' and I completely agree with you, but I they did, then we are done for. They can bend the rules of reality, and we would be powerless to stop it!"

"Okay Dan! Calm down! You're going to give us both nightmares if you don't stop!" I let go of his hand to unlock the door, and am welcomed home by the warmth of leaving the heating on all day. I walk through to the small kitchen and put the kettle on, planning to make a coffee to wake myself up. It's only nine o'clock!

"So, what do you want to do?" I ask Dan.

"I don't mind, you decide." He says, his eyes still looking a little bit sleepy.

"We could go to my room and watch a film if you want. I bought an amazing horror movie to other day! It's all about the super-natural!" I tease him.

"Get lost!" he says with a chuckle, punching my arm lightly.

After ten minutes of deciding on a film to watch, we lie on my bed as the beginning of 'My Neighbour Totoro' plays. We thought it was best not to watch anything that involved super-natural things.

But we don't last long, and ten minutes in, I hear Dan's breathing getting heavier. He has fallen asleep next to me, his mouth open slightly and his eyes shut. He looks like a peaceful young boy when he is asleep, and not the wide eyed man who was scared of the fox's mating call, just half an hour ago.

I my sleep is the best I have had in ages, and is filled with vivid memories of the day before. The way Dan's eyes shone when he smiled, centimetres away from my face. The tingling feeling I felt in my heart when our hands locked together. His weight next to me, and the sound of his heavy breathing as he sleeps. The way his arms are wrapped around me when I wake. Wait a second…

This isn't a dream. This certainly isn't a dream. The heat from Dan's body is radiating off him and spreading through me right down to the bone. His slightly tanned arm is draped over my waist and holding me tight, and I can feel his breath on the back of my neck.

Excitement courses through my veins at how close we are, and all I want to do is turn over and hug him back. But I don't want to wake him, so I make myself stay put whilst I lie there trying to find sleep again through the fog of happiness.

*Dan's POV*

When I wake, I jump up quickly. I am startled to see someone lay beside me, and even more startled to see that I have my arm around that person. However, I relax a lot when I see who it is.

Phil turns over, his black hair messy and his blue eyes sleepy but somehow bright as well. He smiles at me, and I smile back.

"Morning." I say groggily.

"Hey." He grins, as he rubs his eyes. "You okay?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah." He brushes some hair off my face, and holds my hand. For about five minutes, we just gaze sleepily into each other's eyes, while Phil rubs small comforting circles with his thumb on the back of my hand, before he sits up suddenly.

"Cup of tea?" he asks with the sweetest smile.

"Yes Please." I say, getting up also to go with him. I slip on one of Phil's hoodies, and tread barefooted down the stairs after Phil. I find him stood by the kettle, staring out of the window and into the horizon. Trying to be as quiet as possible, I creep up behind him and wrap my arms over his shoulders, hugging him from behind. I feel him tense for a split second, before he realises it's me, and he does he turns his head and plants a kiss on my cheek. My heart almost skips a beat with the realisation that this is actually happening. The boy I have had a crush on for weeks (if not always consciously) is mine.

We sit in the living room, cuddled together watching anime for at least three hours, maybe even four. '_Just one more episode_' we'd keep on saying, but that 'one more' would turn into another, and another and another, until it is suddenly mid-day, and we have done nothing with our day.

As if it is an alarm for us to get up and do something, Phil's phone rings. He picks up his phone to check who it is.

"Oh, it's only Dad." He says, putting his phone down. "I'll ring him back in a minute."

The phone rings again.

"I better answer him." Phil says, getting up, picking up his phone and walking through to the kitchen. I listen though the door.

"Hey Dad?" he pauses, while he listens. "Dad? Dad, what is it?!" I listen harder. "What?!" I straighten up, my brain racing to think what could be happening. "Okay, I'll be there now!"

And then there is silence. I warily walk into the kitchen, to see Phil, leant against the kitchen surface with his head down.

"Phil?" I ask quietly. "What's wrong?"

"Just leave me alone Dan!" he unexpectedly yells with tears in his eyes. "I'm going out!"

My heart shatters as the words leave his mouth, and he storms out of the door, leaving me stood speechless in the middle of the kitchen.


	14. Chapter 14 - The Hospital

*Phil's POV*

The taxi pulls up outside the hospital, and I try to calm my hands, which are shaking uncontrollably. I am oblivious to everyone and everything around me as I stride towards the big double doors. I don't know I feel or how to feel, my mind is just numb. I refuse to believe anything until I have seen it with my own eyes. I refuse to think about my sister.

"Erm, I'm here to see Becky Lester." I race in a shaky voice as I reach the reception desk, trying my very hardest to hold the brimming tears back.

"Just follow me." the receptionist says with a friendly smile. I try to return it, but I think it looks more like a grimace than anything. In a trance, I follow her down the long white corridors, until she suddenly comes to a halt outside a blue door.

"She's just through here." she points towards the door. I nod my thanks, too scared that if I speak I will end up in tears. Before opening the door, I physically and mentally prepare myself for what I am about to face.

I take a deep breath and turn the door handle. I see my dad, sat alone by a hospital bed on the far side of the plain white room.

When he hears me, he immediately stands up, embracing me in a tight hug. It's strange to see my Dad crying, the last time I saw him cry was at mum's funeral. I try to stay strong, and hold the tears back, just to show some level of support to my Dad, but when I see the body ley on the bed, the tears finally spill, and a small sob escapes my mouth.

I absentmindedly push him aside, gawping at my sister's injured figure. I feel as though my entire world is falling apart around me as I look at the cuts and bruises cover her face, almost hiding her identity and showing obvious signs of the car crash. Her head is held in place by a neck brace, and an oxygen mask covers her nose and mouth. I try to say something, but the words get caught up in my throat, and instead I make a weird choking sob sound. With tears streaming down my face, I sit opposite my dad, holding my sister's hand, and listening to the rhythmical beep of the heart monitor.

Very little words are exchanged over the next two hours, and I don't think I have moved either. All I know is that my eyes have completely dried out, like I have run out of tears. Instead of crying, the tears have been replaced by a throbbing feeling in my heart.

I think that it's probably to do with the fact that the girl lay on the hospital bed hasn't stirred all day and I am starting to get even more worried, but I can't help feeling like I have forgotten something. I search through my brain until suddenly, I see Dan's face in my mind's eye.

I feel a twinge of guilt inside me, somewhere between my stomach and my heart, and I jump up, feeling in my pockets for my phone. There's nothing there.

"Phil? What's the matter?" my dad speaks for the first time in the past two hours.

"Erm, can I borrow your phone?" I ask urgently. "I need to ring-" I pause. He doesn't know about Dan, or about me being gay. He don't know anything, there's so much I need to tell him! "Someone." I finish.

"Here." Dad hands me his ancient phone.

"Thanks, Dad. I won't be long!" I call as I half run out of the room. When outside, I quickly dial my home number. Dan answers almost immediately, like he was waiting for someone to call.

"Hello?!" Says Dan cautiously.

"Dan?" I say quickly.

"Phil!" he shouts. "Oh my god! Where are you?"

"Dan, I'm at the hospital." I tell him. I continue before he has tie to say anything. "My sister had an accident this morning, and it's pretty critical." The tears start to fall again, and it feels like re-opening an old wound. "Unless anything happens, it's likely I'll be staying here overnight, so I just wanted to let you know where I am. Don't you worry about me though, I'll be fine."

"Phil…" he says faintly. "Phil, I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault, Dan." I say, remembering the time when he told me off for apologising for everything. "And I'm so sorry I stormed out on you earlier, I don't know why I did it. I'll give you a ring later. Love you."

"Wait, Phil!" Dan calls down the phone line.

"What?" I reply.

"I'm on my way now!" he says, and I can tell by the noise that he has started to move about.

"What? No! Dan, please don't. Please don't worry about me I'll be fine."

"But, Phil." He whines.

"No, Dan." I say. "Besides dad doesn't know about us yet. Just give it a couple of days. Please?"

"Okay," he retreats. "I hope it all goes okay."

"Me too." I agree. "See you tomorrow. Love you, bye."

"Love you too, bye." And then there's a bleep and Dan is gone.

I wipe my eyes and go back into the room, handing back dad's phone as I take my seat.

"Who was that?" my dad asks, quite nosily.

I panic for a second before saying; "Oh, just my friend."

"Your friend?" He asks, pushing for more.

"Yeah my friend was staying over when you called." I say. "I just thought I'd let him know where I was." It's not a complete lie, Dan_ is_ my friend.

I feel so tired, but I don't want to sleep and I can't go home, because I don't want to leave Becky's side. I made dad go home to get some sleep, so I can't leave her here alone. I glance up at the clock to check the time; it's midnight now, and I told Dan I would ring him later. I pick up dad's little phone again, and dial the numbers.

"Hello?" Dan's voice speaks after next to no time of ringing.

"Hi Dan." I say, suddenly a bit happier for hearing his voice.

"Oh, Hey Phil." He replies. "How is she?" he asks, genuinely.

"Still nothing." I say glumly, a sudden wave of sadness crashing over me.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Phil." He apologises again. "I'm sure everything will be okay."

"Yeah." I say in a shaky voice, as an unexpected waterfall of tears falls from my face. I try to contain a sob, but Dan isn't stupid.

"Phil?" he says worriedly. I let out a small sob. "Phil, please don't cry. Everything will be fine."

"I'm s-scared, D-Dan." I blub through my tears.

"Then I want to be there with you." He says. These simple words mean a lot to me, but I can't make any words out of the sobs the come out of my mouth. "I'll be there in ten minutes." And then he hands up.

*Dan's POV*

I grab my coat and run out of the front door, just about remembering to lock it behind me. If I remember right, the very last bus of the night will be passing in just under two minutes. I need to get to Phil now, I need to make him feel better. For some reason, tonight I am not fazed by the surrounding blackness, I am just content with getting to Phil.

Suddenly, there are headlights to my left, and I watch as the small bus rounds the corner. Once on the bus, I walk to the back, taking the seat that Phil and I sat on the night we came back from the London Eye.

The journey seems to drag on, and the traffic seems ten times worse than usual. When at last we arrive at the hospital, I nearly forget to pay the bus driver in my blind rush. I half walk, half jog into the hospital, ignoring the fact that it is probably classed as exercise.

"I'm here to see Becky Lester." I say, as I finally come to a halt at the receptionist desk. I follow her down corridors that have the usual hospital smell of cleaning products, and she finally deposits me at a small blue door. After thanking her, I enter the room.

A tall, black haired man sits in a chair by the hospital bed, with his head in his hands. When he hears me, he looks up, blue eyes shining with tears. Phil jumps up and launches himself into my arms, nearly knocking me off my feet. I wrap my arms tight around him, rubbing his back to calm him as he cries into my coat.

Over Phil's shoulder I see the girl – Phil's sister. Through the cuts and bruises, I can still make out that she is related to Phil. She has the same shape face as him, and her nose is literally Phil's. The only difference is that her hair is red, like a fox, and not midnight black like Phil's. He pulls away and looks into my eyes.

"Thank you for coming." He says, sounding a lot stronger than he sounded on the phone.

"No problem." I say, gripping onto his hand and giving it a supportive squeeze. I lead him over to where he was sitting before, and grab another chair so that I can sit by him. He leans into me, resting his head on my shoulder. I kiss the top of his head lightly, and give his hand another squeeze, just to let him know that I'm here for him.

*Phil's POV*

It's just what I needed: Dan's arms around me, and someone to cry to. It sounds stupid, but having company gets rid of a bit of the pain. As we sit by the side of the hospital bed, I suddenly feel myself go drowsy, and somehow, I manage to fall asleep, hand in hand with Dan.

**Thank you to everyone who is still reading! I hope you enjoy this chapter! x**


	15. Chapter 15 - A Hundred Percent Wrong

*Phil's POV*

Through the rhythmic sound for beeping, I hear the door open. I wrench my eyes open to see that my dad has just arrived, and he has a baffled look on his face. At first, I don't have a clue why, but then I become conscious of the person next to me, and the fact that I have my head rested on his shoulder.

I quickly lift my stiff neck off Dan's shoulder, and try to act like nothing happened, but dad's not stupid. He knows what he saw.

"Hey dad." I say with a small smile, ignoring his glances between Dan and me.

"Morning Phil." He says. "Erm, who's this?" I look at Dan sat next to me, his head drooped to one side in his sleep.

"Oh, this is my friend Dan." I tell him.

"The friend that was staying at yours?" he pushes.

"Erm, yeah actually. It is." I say, feeling my cheeks blush a little. I look away, hoping he didn't notice, and when I look back, to my surprise, Dad has a small smirk on his face.

"Lovely day, isn't it?" I say, gesturing towards the sun and trying desperately to change the subject. Dad just continues to smirk, which frustrates me a little. "Dad?!"

"Is there something that you want to tell me, Phil?" he says. I know full well what he means.

"No." I lie. He looks between me and Dan. "Oh, no!" I force a laugh. "Dan and I are just friends!" I proceed to lie.

"Ah, okay!" he says, sitting down on the other side of the bed and gripping onto Becky's hand. I feel Dan stir next to me, and I look at him to see him staring at me.

"Morning!" I say, with a small smile.

"Hey." He says.

"Are you okay?" I ask him.

"Yeah." He replies shortly. There's something in his voice that makes me think something is wrong. His answers are short, and he doesn't look at me in the same way as he did yesterday. "I'm going to the toilet." He says, as he stands up and leaves the room.

I see this as an opportunity to speak to him without dad there. I give it a moment so that I don't see too pushy, and then I quickly and quietly slip out of the room. I see him walking in the opposite direction, and walk over to him and wrap my arms around his waist.

He hugs me back, but not in that bear-hug like he normally does. Somethings definitely bothering him.

"Is something wrong, Dan?" I ask, letting him out of the hug and looking into his eyes.

"No, not at all." He says, shuffling on his feet a little.

"Dan, you know you can tell me anything." I push for him to tell me.

"Yeah."

"Then please tell me what's wrong." I say quietly. "I know something's bothering you." He looks down at the floor for a moment, and when he looks up, I can't be sure, but I think his eyes look a bit glassy.

"Are you ashamed of me Phil?" he asks. I am quite taken aback by the question.

"No!" I say in slight shock. "Not at all!"

"Really?" he asks, he seems un-certain.

"Yes!" I say.

"Then why did you say we are 'just friends'?!" he exclaims.

"Oh, Dan, don't be stupid!" I say with a smile, trying to comfort him.

"Stupid am I?!" he says, raising is voice nearly to a shout. I don't know where this is coming from, so I put my hands on his shoulders to calm him.

"Dan, listen-"

"Phil, Get off me!" he interrupts me, stepping away from my grasp. "You are obviously embarrassed of me!"

"Of course I'm not, Dan!" I say, my voice rising too. "I love you!"

"So how come we are 'just friends'?!" he shouts, making passing people stare.

"Dan, calm down!" I say, trying to calm myself. "I panicked okay?! I'm not ready for Dad to know yet!"

"Well he should probably know now!" he says, pointing behind me. My eyes follow where he is pointing, and in a nearby doorway is my dad, looking perplexed. "I'm going." He says quietly, before storming away.

"Wait! Dan!" I call, but it is hopeless. I get nothing from other than a pain left in my heat as I watch him storm away, leaving me alone and tearful in the middle of the corridor. I stand there, frozen to the spot as everyone carries on with their lives.

*Dan's POV*

I don't even know where I am going. Just away. I storm down the corridor, ignoring Phil's call. His longing call. The second I turned my back I regretted it, but I couldn't just turn back like nothing had happened, there were people watching.

I hadn't intended to shout, or even get angry at all. I'll be honest, I wasn't _happy_ to hear Phil call us 'just friends', but I didn't expect to lash out like that. I suppose the dream – or should I say nightmare – put me in a bad mood.

I dreamed that Phil had split up with me. _Yes I am that pathetic_. In the dream, Phil had said that he didn't love me anymore, and it was only best if we split up, and it would be better for both of us if we went our separate ways. The dream had felt so real, so when I woke up to hear him tell his dad that we were 'just friends', it just slotted in with the dream.

As I sit on a bench outside the hospital, all of the guilt seeps in. Phil didn't need me being an arse as well as everything that's going on with his sister. Why am I such a horrible person? I hate myself. I hate who I am – a selfish arsehole, that's all I am. How could I be so nasty to Phil in a time he needed me most. I should have just accepted the fact that he wasn't ready to tell his dad, not go ape shit at him.

The voices inside my heads taunt me with these thoughts for what feels like forever, until I finally decide to do something with myself. I stand up and begin to walk away. _Phil won't want me back now. Not after the argument_. I am proven wrong when I reach the gates.

"Dan?!" calls Phil's sad voice across the carpark. I ignore him. "Dan! Wait!"

"Forget it Phil!" I say, as I reluctantly turn round_. _"You don't need a dick head like me in your life. I'll only make things worse."

"Dan!" he calls again in a wobbly voice, giving away the fact that he is crying. I turn to see a distraught man almost being sick through the sobs and silent cries, his black hair messy and in no style at all. Something is a-hundred-percent most definitely wrong.


	16. Chapter 16 - Constant Heartache

*Phil's POV*

I manage to pull myself together, wiping the tears from my eyes and walking back towards the room where my sister is still lay unconscious on a hospital bed. My dad just looks at me pitifully, as if he understands what I am thinking. The truth is, he doesn't. He doesn't have a clue about how much my heart is aching right now.

"Phil." Dad says through the silence. I look up at him, not wanting to speak. "You don't have to tell me. I understand."

"I'm sorry, Dad." I say.

"For what?" he asks.

"For being gay." I say, strangely angry at myself. "I know it's stupid, but I can't change who I am. I'm sorry I-"

"Shhh, Phil." He interrupts me, taking a seat next to me and putting an arm around me. "It's okay. i understand." He hugs me, something he hasn't done for years. His arms wrap around me in that fatherly way, making me feel needed, but not in the way Dan made me feel needed. No one can beat Dan's bear hugs.

"Thanks Dad." I say, my voice muffled in his shirt. I listen to the pulsing beeps of the heart monitor; beep. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeee….

My heart skips a beat, and everything goes in slow motion suddenly. Three doctors run into the room, fiddling with different tubes and equipment. I can see that they are shouting in panicked voices, but I cannot hear them through the deathly silence that is my entire world crashing down around me.

As if through water I can hear the beep continuing, but I still can't come to terms with the fact that my sisters heart just stopped. I watch, frozen to the spot, as the doctors desperately try to revive the pale girl on the bed. I watch for what feels like forever, until they step back with disappointed expressions on their faces. I suddenly find my voice.

"DO SOMETHING!" I yell at a doctor with light grey hair. "BRING HER BACK!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but it's too late, unfortunately." He says gently, giving me a look of sorrow.

"IT CAN'T BE!" I cry, not giving up. "THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING YOU CAN DO?!"

"I'm so sorry, sir. I understand how you must be feeling right now."

"NO YOU'RE _NOT_ SORRY! YOU DON'T HAVE A _CLUE_ HOW I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW!" and with that I run out of the room, slamming the door behind me. Blinded by sadness and shock, I storm down the corridors, tears streaming furiously down my face. I ignore the looks I get from passers-by, and just stare straight ahead.

All I want to do is scream. I want to scream and shout and I want this pain to go away. I need Dan, but he is probably long gone by now. Thinking about him feels like I have just stabbed myself in the heart with a thousand little needles.

I storm out, nearly knocking a little old lady over as I push the door open with too much enthusiasm. All of a sudden I stop dead in my tracks. There he is.

"Dan?!" I shout weakly. Nothing.

"Dan?!" I repeat myself. He starts to slowly turn around.

"Forget it Phil!" he calls back. "You don't need a dick head like me in your life. I'll only make things worse!" The words sting. _I do need him. More than ever right now._

"Dan!" I shout louder, the distress clear in my voice. The pain takes over, and I drop to my knees on the hard concrete floor. Pain shoots down my legs, but it's okay because for a split second, it over-rode the heart ache.

I slam my fists into the ground, feeling the blood trickle gently down my fingers. I hit the floor again and again covering the throb inside me, until I feel someone's arms around me. For a moment I neither know nor care who it is. But then he speaks.

"Phil!" Dan says soothingly. I try to resist him, thrashing my bloody fists at the ground. "Phil! Please stop!" Grabs my wrists, preventing me from hurting myself. I look at him, trying to tell him without words to let me go.

"Phil?" he says gently. "What happened?"

"She's g-g-gone." I stutter, trying to crawl into a ball, but being stopped by Dan's firm grip on my arms. "She's gone!" I shout, trying to let some emotion out.

Dan doesn't say anything. He just holds me in his arms, rocking slightly. I sob and cry to him for god-knows how long, and he shushes me quietly every now and then. When I finally stop crying a bit, Dan pulls away, and looks me dead in the eye.

"Let's get you home." He says gently, getting to his feet and holing a hand out to help me up. I nod silently and take his hand, swaying slightly once on my feet.

We walk hand in hand to the bus stop, where we will catch the bus home, and I can finally be re-united with my little blades.

_One for mum._ I cut my wrist once.

_One for Becky._ I cut it again.

_Another for being gay. _Blood runs from another cut.

_One for being me. _ I cut a fourth cut into my arm.

_And one for luck._ I watch as the five cuts overflow with blood and drip slowly into the flow of the shower water and down the drain. The stinging pain is stronger than my feelings, and it is a massive relief to get rid of them. I've been in the shower a long time now, so I hope Dan doesn't notice.

*Dan's POV*

I hear Phil trudge down the stairs and go into the living room, so I pick up the sandwich and the tea I made for him, and follow him in there. I set the mug down of=n the coffee table, and hand him the plate.

His face goes from white to slightly green, and he puts it on the table, looking at it like it might kill. Him.

"Phil, please eat something." I beg him, remembering the first time I saw him and him telling everyone about his anorexia.

"I'm not hungry." He says quietly. I sit down next to him, not wanting to push him too much. His hand finds mine, and I give it a supportive squeeze just to let him know that I'm here for him.

Before I know it he has tears spilling down his face again. I wrap him in my arms to try and make him feel better, but I don't think I have much hope.

"Why did she have to go?" Phil cries into my shoulder.

"Sshhh." I say soothingly, as I rub small circles on his back. I am grateful to have him back, because I thought he hated me, but I just want him to feel better. I can't say I know how he feels, but seeing him this sad makes me feel sad.

He finally pulls away and takes a small sip of tea, and I see it. A small red mark seeping through his bright coloured hoodie. I know immediately what it is, and I don't like it.

"Phil…" I whisper, taking his hand. He looks from me to where I am looking, and pulls his arm away.

"I'm sorry, Dan." He says quietly, looking down at the floor. "I had to, I couldn't help it."

"Phil," I say, looking deep into his eyes and trying to see what he is thinking, "Pease try to stop."

"I have." He says, a hopeless look on his face. "I can't do it."

"Nothing's impossible." I whisper, as I kiss his forehead. He cuddles up to me on the sofa, and eventually, he falls asleep.

**Oohh sorry! bit of a bumpy ending there! :/ thanks again for reading and i hope you enjoyed it! :)**


	17. Chapter 17 - Dear Daniel

*Phil's POV*

I wake from my nightmares several times through the night, covered from head to toe in a cold sweat from seeing both my mum and my sister's mangled bodies in accidents that my messed up brain creates. But every time I wake, whether in silence or with a scream, Dan is always there for me. His soothing voice and comforting arms calm me, and I soon drift off to sleep again.

"Phil?" I hear Dan's voice whisper as he shakes my shoulder gently. I open my eyes, squinting at the bright sunlight that shines through a gap in the curtains.

"Yeah?" I say in a croaky voice.

"Tea?" Dan asks kindly.

"Yes please." I smile at him as he walks out of the room like he is on a mission. I do love him.

My heart drops as I remember everything that happened yesterday, and I remember the pale face of my fragile sister when her heart finally stopped. _Her heart stopped. She is dead. She's never coming back. _I sit up in bed, my heart racing as tears spring into my eyes.

"No!" I say out loud. "It can't be real!"

"Phil?!" Dan says, running into the room with two mugs in his hands. "What's wrong?!" He comes and sits on the bed beside me, rubbing my back and making my stomach do another one of those flippy things it does when Dan's around.

"She's gone, Dan." I say, wiping away the tears and looking into his deep brown eyes. "She's dead. My little sister is dead!"

"Phil, it's okay." He pulls me into a tight embrace, warming me through. "Everything is going to be okay." He lifts the covers, and slithers in next to me, putting his arm over my shoulders and playing with my hair.

"Promise?" I ask, looking him in the eye again.

"I promise." Dan says with a small smile. We lay in a happy silence until I suddenly realise something.

"Hang on a minute…" I say, propping myself up on my elbow.

"What?" Dan says, looking alarmed.

"I didn't fall asleep in bed!" I say. "I fell asleep on the sofa with you!"

"Really?" Dan says sarcastically, grinning at me.

"Did you carry me up here?" he say, a smile spreading over my face.

"Maybe…" he says, looking away, trying to hide a small blush that I can see on his cheeks.

"You're such a dork." I say, punching him playfully on the arm. He turns to me, trying to put on a truly hurt look, but he can't keep a straight face long enough.

"Oh, I'm sorry,_ Philly_." He says, poking my nose.

"Hey!" I say, cringing slightly at the old nickname. "Don't be horrible, _Bear!_" I poke his neck, where I know he hates anyone touching, and he clamps his head down, laughing through a scream. "At least I don't sound like Winnie the Pooh!"

"That was un-called for!" he laughs loudly. I am overcome by a sudden flood of love, and I pounce at him, wrapping my arms around him and kissing him over and over on the top of the head, holding him tight in my arms and ignoring his weak attempts to push me off through laughter.

I eventually give in, letting him push me off. We lay in silence once more, just enjoying each other's company and drinking our tea.

"Phil?" Dan peaks out of the blue.

"Yeah?" I reply.

"I love you." His big brown eyes stare into mine, melting my heart.

"I love you too." I grab hold of his hand, and we spend the next few minutes just gazing into each other's eyes, lost.

My phone rings by my side, and I am forced to pull my eyes away from Dan. I see that it is Dad.

"Hello, Dad." I say.

"Hi Phil." He says glumly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay." I say. "You alright?"

"Yeah. Um, Phil, I was wondering if I could come and stay at yours for a couple of days? There's too many memories here."

"Yeah, sure." I say, understanding completely what he means. When mum died, there was so much in that house that reminded me of her. The furniture, the garden, the smell. Everything had a certain memory, and eventually, I couldn't handle it anymore. With the money mum had left me, I packed my bags and left. I regret it now, leaving Becky and dad alone. It was Becky who needed me most, because dad went through an alcoholic 'phase', and sort of abandoned her. Moving out also gave me too much time to think for myself, and that's the reason I started self-harming.

"Okay, when can I come round?" Dad says eagerly.

"Whenever you want." I welcome him.

"Is this afternoon okay?" he asks.

"Sure. I'll see you later."

"See you later, bye." I hang up, and turn back to Dan.

"Dad's staying for a couple of days. There's too many memories at home." I tell him.

"Oh, okay." Dan says with an understanding smile. "Um, does he know? You know, about us?"

"Oh, Yeah. He's cool with it." I say, feeling bad thinking about how Dan's parents abandoned him.

"Okay, that's good." He smiles, and gives my hand a squeeze. I get up and pull on some socks – odd ones of course – and go down the stairs together. Dan makes breakfast, and I go to get the post. I am surprised to see a letter to Dan, and even more surprised when I see it has no address. Just _Daniel _written on the front of the envelope, and no stamp.

"Dan, there's a letter here for _you_." I say, handing him the white envelope. He takes it from me, frowning slightly.

"Thanks." He tears it open and reads it.

*Dan's POV*

The letter has no address, just my name written on the front, so it must have been personally posted by someone. I tear it open, and read the scruffy writing in my head.

_Dear Daniel_,

_I am writing to say sorry. I am sorry that your father chucked you out, and I would just like to say that I had no say in what he said or did. Your life choices have nothing to do with me, and I am happy for you as long as you are happy. I was just shocked when you first told us you were gay. I may not have always shown it on the outside, but I do care for you Daniel. You are my only son for crying out loud, of course I love you! I would also like to apologise for being such a terrible mother. Like I just said, I haven't really shown you love on the outside, and I spent most of your life either at the pub or lazing around on the sofa. I can only guess how you must feel about me, and I understand if you hate me._

_Your father isn't here anymore, he left a couple of days after he chucked you out, because we had an argument, and I am scared. I am scared of what he is going to do. Both you and I know what he's like when he's angry about something._

_Please come home Daniel, even if it's only a visit. I need to see your face and know that you're okay. Again, I am sorry, and I hope you will forgive my mistakes._

_Love from, Mum._

I don't know what to think at first, I just stare at the paper in shock. My hands start to shake for some reason, and without being aware of it, I am sat on the floor, leaning against the kitchen cabinet. Phil sits down beside me, and puts a hand on my shoulder

"What is it, Dan?" He asks quietly.

I swallow down a lump in my throat. "Mum understands." I say in no more that a whisper. "She doesn't hate me, apparently."

"That's great Dan." Phil gives me a small smile.

"Is it?" I question. "Really?"

"Well it seems like a good thing." Phil says, probably confused by my doubtful approach.

"I can't just _go back_. It's not as easy as that."

"I'll come with you, if you want." Phil suggests.

"Thanks, but that's probably not a good idea." I say, smiling my appreciation. "I can't go back. What if dad comes back, what it mum's lying, what if it's just a trap? What if-"

"Dan, calm down!" Phil stops me. "I'm sure it will be fine! And you're always welcome here anyway."

"Thanks." I say, wiping the few tears from my eyes and grinning at Phil. He gets up, and holds a hand out to help me up, which I take. He pulls me up to my feet with ease, and wraps me in his arms.

"I'll be okay." he says. "You promised."

All of a sudden, the doorbell rings, making Phil jump.

"That'll be Dad." He says, striding out of the room to open the door. I suddenly feel very awkward and self-conscious, seeing as the last time Phil's dad saw me, I was storming out of the hospital.

"Hello Mr Lester." I say, trying unsuccessfully to hide the awkwardness in my voice.

"Hello." Says Phil's dad, dropping his bags, and holding out a hand, obviously making a new start and forgetting about our last encounter. I shake his hand. "Oh, and it's just Steve, if you don't mind.

"Okay." I say.

The day goes by, and nothing really happens. I spend a lot of time thinking about mum's letter, re-reading it again and again. I can't decide whether I should believe it or not, so I eventually push it out of my mind, seeing that Phil looks pretty upset.

"What's up?" I ask, looking into his ocean blue eyes.

"Funeral is in two weeks." he says quietly. I hold onto his hand, only just resisting the urge to kiss him in front of Phil's dad. Steve seems to be okay with us, but I still won't be too affectionate. I figure that the occasional 'love you' is socially acceptable.


	18. Chapter 18 - The Truth

*Dan's POV*

A week passes by slowly, and I spend most of my time either comforting Phil, or thinking about my mum. I have come to the conclusion to go home, just for a visit, to hear mum out, and if I believe a word she says, maybe I will go back. I rang her up a few days after I received the letter, and I still can't help but feeling that not everything she said in the letter is true. I suppose I'll find out today.

I reluctantly get up from the sofa, where Phil and I were sat eating cereal and watching some angry couple fighting over a baby on Jeremy Kyle.

"Where are you going?" Phil asks, clinging onto my hand and looking up at me with puppy do eyes.

"I need to go and get ready," I say, unsuccessfully trying to pull away. "I'm going to see mum today, remember?" he nods, but doesn't let go of my arm. I pull him to his feet and take advantage of being alone for once. Our lips move together, just as naturally as they had done all those weeks ago on the London Eye. Phil pulls me closer, sending a storm of butterflies into my stomach.

As much as I never want to leave this moment, I have to rip myself away, because I can hear footsteps heading down the stairs.

"I'm going upstairs to get ready." I say kissing Phil lightly on the nose.

"Okay." He replies, sitting back down on the sofa casually, as his dad enters the room.

After showering, straightening my horrendously curly hobbit hair, and getting dressed, I am finally ready. I head downstairs to find my taxi waiting ready outside.

"Phil, I'm going now." I say, poking my head through the living room door, where Phil is still watching TV.

"Okay." He says, getting up and walking with me to the front door.

"I'll see you in a bit." I say, pecking him on the lips. "I won't be long."

"See you later." He says, opening the door that leads to the drizzly autumn weather outside. I pull my hood up as I walk through swirling leaves towards the taxi.

The journey goes by slowly, and my hands become clammy with nerves. The closer we get, the more worried I get, and the more worried I get, the faster my heart thuds against my ribcage. _What if it's a trap? What if dad's back? What if mum hasn't forgiven me after all?_

The taxi pulls up outside the house that is sandwiched between two other houses on a long street. After paying, I step outside into the rain which us now falling heavier than before. I approach the red front door, and knock three times, remembering the last time I was stood here.

Through the glass, I see that almost immediately someone is there. I shove my hands in my pockets to hide the shaking. The door opens, and my mother stands there, a little slimmer than last time I saw her, and there are black bags under her eyes from no sleep, but she smiles widely when she sees me.

I suddenly feel a strange disliking for her, like she has done something terrible. _It's not her who threw me out _I try to remind myself. She opens her arms to welcome me, probably expecting me to throw my arms around her, with tears of joy in my eyes, but I don't. I step into the porch out of the rain, and mum hangs her arms limply by her side, trying to ignore the rejected hug.

The familiar smell of home fills my nostrils, and I remember billions of memories, both good and bad. I don't take my shoes off, leading my way into the kitchen, where I turn to face mum.

"You first." I say shortly, wanting this to be over with.

"What?" She asks, as though she doesn't understand.

"Tell me your story first." I say.

"Oh… okay." She starts explaining about how when I first told them I was gay, she was just shocked and she didn't know what to do or say. Apparently she was 'very upset' when dad threw me out. And then goes on to say about the argument she had with dad, and it is suddenly a whole lot more believable.

"It was about two days after you left," she says in a shaky voice, "and things had already been pretty bad."

"What do you mean, 'pretty bad'?" I interrupt.

"We'd had a few arguments." He tells me. "Anyway, I lost it, and I had a go at him for throwing you out, and he got angry. He threw a glass at me in anger, but he missed, and he said something…" she trails off, a tear rolling down her cheek.

"What, mum?" I ask, curious to know what he said.

"Something horrible." She cries.

"What?" I urge.

"He said… he was going to find you… and hurt you!" the tears trickle down her face, and it is clear for the first time that she does actually care.

"Mum, it's okay." I say, putting an arm around her, not liking seeing her upset. "I'm okay." I don't dare tell her what I'm thinking. I can't be completely certain, but all I can think of is the two men that attacked me when Phil found me.

I tell her my story, and even pluck up the courage to tell her that the 'friend from the support group' that found me, is in fact my boyfriend. I managed to condense my huge, ear-to-ear grin, to a small smile, and hopefully she didn't pick up on it.

It's two o'clock in the afternoon by the time I leave, and I feel guilty for telling Phil that I wouldn't be long. But at least I am leaving with a massive weight off my chest Mum accepts me, and even seems happy for me. At least one of my parents doesn't hate me.


	19. Chapter 19 - Goodbye

*Phil's POV*

My mind is in a constant mess. Nightmares all through the night, and back to staring miserably into space in the day. The cuts on my wrists have become progressively more, although I do try to keep it to a minimum for Dan's sake. I know he's noticed a couple of times, because I can tell by the sympathetic looks he sometimes gives me, and sometimes I see him glancing at my arm out of the corner of his eye. I know he doesn't like it, but I can't stop.

Dad is still staying at mine, moping around doing nothing but cry and watch TV. I swear my electric bill will be twice what it normally is. But I don't mind, because I know how he feels; in the space of three, nearly four years, he has lost his wife and his daughter, and I have lost my mum and my sister. Apart from distant relatives, he is mine, and I am his only close family member left.

I have just woken up from a dream; well it started as a dream, but ended horribly again, making me wake up in a cold sweat. I dreamed that me, mum, dad, Becky, and Dan had gone to the beach for the day. It had been so much fun, and it almost felt real. It felt like an alternate universe in which no one had died, and everyone was happy. But I suppose if no one had died, then I wouldn't have been depressed enough to go to support group, and I wouldn't have met Dan. The dream had ended terribly; black clouds had blown over the beach and rain began to fall, and suddenly, out of nowhere, a massive cage flew out of the sky, concealing my family and Dan, and taking them away from me, never to be seen again.

I shiver slightly from recalling the dream, trying to push the cracking feeling out of my heart, but it comes back when I remember what is happening today. _Becky's funeral_.

I sit bolt upright in bed, pulling the covers up with me, temporarily forgetting that Dan is still asleep next to me. My breathing gets heavier, and I feel a panic attack coming on. I try to take deep breaths and just accept the fact that it is real, but I can't. Tears start to spill down my cheeks, and I feel Dan's arms around me, which calms me a bit.

"Phil, what's wrong?" he asks in a concerned tone. I don't reply, mainly because I not sure the words would be audible if I did speak. Dan seems to work it out for himself anyway. "It will be okay, don't worry." He puts an arm over my shoulder, and kisses me on the cheek, making my stomach flip despite all of the dread.

"W-will you come with me?" I blub through tears, asking the question I have wanted to ask for two weeks.

"Of course I will, Phil." He says, rubbing my arm comfortingly. "Now you lie back down, and I'll make coffee." I nod, and obey him, letting the comfort of the pillows take me back. I would go back to sleep, but my mind is too busy as I try to go over my speech in head without crying.

"Breakfast in bed!" Dan calls, as he walks back into the room with a deep look of concentration on his face as he carries a tray of coffee and toast into the room.

"Thanks, Dan." I say, as he places the tray on my lap. A sudden grumble comes from my stomach, and I pick up a piece of toast, only to find that I have no appetite whatsoever. I place the toast back onto the plate. "I'm not hungry." I say, looking apologetically at Dan.

"Please try and eat something." He pleads. I shake my head, and he retreats immediately. "Okay then."

My brain is a concoction of sadness nerves and dread as I step out of the black cab to face the frosty morning, showing the first sign of winter. Music can be heard coming from the church, and as we get closer, I realise what song it is: _Hold On_, by Olly Murs. A bit of an up-beat song for a funeral if you ask me, but Becky's favourite song. I feel the back of my eyes start to prickle, as images of Becky's bedroom flash up in my mind, Olly Murs posters covering the wall.

I feel Dan slide his fingers in between mine, and I grip onto his hand so tight that I probably hurts, but he doesn't say anything. We walk down the centre of the church, through the sea of black clothed people, and towards the coffin lay at the back of the room. I supress a sob as we take a seat in the front row. I know the vicar is taking, but I am not listening. I recite my speech over and over in my head, holding back the tears the best I can.

I am suddenly bought to my senses when the vicar says: "And first of all, we will have a speech from Mr Phillip Lester, Rebecca's brother." My heart speeds up and I get to my feet, my knees shaking beneath me. I hear my pulse in my ears as I look out at the saddened faces before me. I find Dan in the front row, and he gives me a supportive nod. I clear my throat and begin.

"I c-cannot exp-press how devast-tated I am." I stutter, suddenly very insecure and terrified. "Becky w-was more than just my s-sister, she was my friend." _Wow Phil, how original. _"Well, when we weren't arguing over who gets more chocolate!" I chuckle nervously, as I try, and fail, to make light in the situation. "I remember one time, we went to the beach, and Becky was only five, and she managed t-to get ice cream all over her face!" I smile sadly at the memory.

"You would probably be teasing me for crying right now!" I say, turning slightly to the coffin beside me. "I'm sorry." A waterfall of tears falls down my cheeks, and I wipe them away furiously. I suddenly realise that I am not following my speech that I have been trying to write for two whole weeks. _Oh well._ "I miss you Becky." That's it. The tears flow, and I am too weak to stop them. I bury my face in my hands, and let out a few sobs. My legs turn to jelly, and I am about to fall down when I feel arms around me.

Dan leads me back to my seat, where I continue to cry until I can't cope anymore. With blurred vision, I stand up and storm out into the building, slamming the door behind me. I don't have a clue where I am going, just that I need to get away. I need to get away from everything; the pressure, the people, and the pain. It's all too much.

I finally take refuge in a gap between a bench and a hedge in the nearly empty park. Here is where I let my emotions out. I scream, I cry and I smash my fists into the floor, trying to get rid of the pain. I do this until I am numb, and the cold of early winter takes over me. I slip into unconsciousness, my last thoughts being that I am slowly losing everything, including my mind. One day, I will lose Dan too.

**Thank you so so much for 1,000 views! It really means a lot, so THANK YOU! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	20. Chapter 20 - Losing Ourselves

**Hey! I'm sorry it took me ages to upload this chapter, but I really couldn't decide how to end this story! So, this is the penultimate chapter! It's only short, but I hope you enjoy it, and thank you so much for reading!**

*Phil's POV*

When I open my eyes, I am startled at first by the brightness. I squint through the sunlight that is having no effect on the cold air, and smell the familiar smell of the man I love. I lift my head up quickly off the bench, suddenly aware of someone's presence next to me. There may as well be two suns in the sky.

Dan smiles back at me, half a look of concern, and half a look of happiness on his beautiful face, and his big brown, eyes shine, even in the faint winter sunshine, which is lowering in the sky, turning it a light orangey colour.

"Oh my _God_, Phil!" Dan says in a relived tone. "You've been asleep for ages! I was about to call an ambulance! I thought you'd never wake up, thought-"

"Dan, calm down! I'm okay!" I interrupt his babble. He goes to say something else, but stops himself, and instead, he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. I hug him back tight, trying to get some heat from him, because considering the fact that I have been curled up on a bench for god-knows-how-long, I am pretty cold.

I don't know how long we are here, embraced in each other's arms, but in the time, I start crying, remembering the events of the fast couple of weeks, and somehow manage to blink them back, so that Dan doesn't notice.

"Come on." Dan says, standing up and holding out a hand to help me up. "Let's go inside, you're freezing."

"Starbucks?" I say, accepting his hand, and wobbling on my feet for a couple of seconds before we start to walk.

"Sure." Dan says, pulling me closer by putting an arm around my waist as we walk down the narrow path, the thought of a nice, warm coffee urging us on.

*Dan's POV*

With the warmth of Starbuck's hot chocolate inside us, Phil and I venture back out into the park, hand in hand. I have only just got over the worry of finding him, slumped unconscious in the park. It sounds stupid, but I thought he was going to die. He was _freezing,_ and my brain foolishly jumped to a conclusion that he had done this to himself. There were cuts on his fists and blood on the floor, and he was cold to the touch.

I find it strange that six weeks ago, I feared for my own life. I was stupidly in a constant worry of death, using google to diagnose myself and stressing about it when anything was slightly wrong with me. But since I met Phil, things have changed dramatically. I no longer worry for_ myself_, but instead, it's _him_ who I stress over. In the past month, he has helped me out of my health anxiety, and I will never be able to explain with words how grateful I am for that.

Despite hating the idea at the time, I am glad that mum forced me to go to the Support Group. It seems like a lifetime away, when I first saw the insecure guy with the midnight black hair, and dazzling blue eyes. Sometimes, I can remember the butterflies I felt when I first looked into those eyes that you could almost swim in, but that is probably helped by the fact that I still feel those butterflies sometimes, when I look at Phil.

I suddenly realise that I am clutching onto Phil's hand like he's going to run away. I loosen my grip with a small 'sorry', but judging by his face, he didn't mind anyway. He just holds mine tighter.

The sun is almost down by the time the bus arrives, and we take a seat at the back, where we did on the night of our trip to the London Eye. That was the day everything got so much better.

*Phil's POV*

The bus drops us off at the end of my road, and once again, we are left to make our own way home. I remember the first time Dan and I walked down this road in the dark. I remember how Dan was terrified of the fox, and I fail to keep a small grin off my face.

"What are you smirking at?" Dan asks, squeezing my hand and chuckling a little.

"Nothing." I reply.

"What is it?!" He says, stopping in his tracks. "I'm not moving until you tell me!" he crosses his arms across his chest, like a stroppy toddler.

"Well," I start, "I was just hoping that there weren't any foxes around tonight." I say with a grin. It takes a few seconds of confusion before Dan realises, and he cringes at the memory.

"Get lost, Phil!" He says, catching up with me, and lightly punching my arm, playfully. I am suddenly overwhelmed with a huge urge to kiss him, and I just go with it. I quickly turn to face him, and grab his face, kissing him square on the lips. He reacts almost immediately, and in this moment, the rest of the world doesn't matter again. It's just me and Dan, in our little world. Our tongues explore each other's mouths, and I could live in this moment forever if it wasn't for the headlights that lit the road in the distance.

We reluctantly break apart and carry on walking, acting casual as the car passes us. We soon reach home, and that is where we can finally relax.

"I love you, Phil." Dan says, looking deep into my eyes.

"I love you too, Dan." I reply, staring right back at him. He leans in, and we lose ourselves again.


	21. Chapter 21 - Merry Christmas

**THIS IS IT GUYS! FINAL CHAPTER! I would just like to say a massive thank you to everyone who has read this story up until this point, and thank you for the votes and comments, they are much appreciated! I hope you enjoy this chapter! x**

*Phil's POV*

The two weeks that follow Becky's funeral come in stages. The first week is one of the worst of my life, as I try to come to terms with my sister's death. It was the morning after the funeral when it _really_ hit me, even If I thought it had got to me before._ She's dead. Never coming back. Gone. Forever. _Most of time Dan helped me, by being the soppiest boyfriend in the world by making tea and breakfast in bed. So, after a week of tears, blood, and not much food, I made it out on the other side.

In the second week, things took a turn for the better. Dan convinced me to eat something every day, and somehow I managed to hide the little cuts that covered my arms. After dad moved back home, Dan and I had the house to ourselves again, and finally we didn't have to be discrete about kissing. So now we're here; a day before Christmas, and both of us as excited as two five year old children.

Outside it looks like a festive postcard photo; Christmas decorations light up towns and houses, and the ground has been blanketed in six inches of snow, and is slowly getting deeper. Not only is it the only Christmas I have experienced that has snowed, but it is also my first Christmas with Dan, and that makes me doubly excited. I haven't really gotten him anything big, as such, just lots of little things, and I think he should be more than pleased with the terrifying Edward Cullen mask I got him.

However, I can't help feeling like he has got me something better. At every mention on Christmas his face lights up, but knowing Dan, he's probably gone and bought me a ridiculous joke present. Geez I love him. I glance at him as he leans into me, as we sit watching the classic Christmas movie 'Home Alone', with the electric fire lit. The fake flames in the fire place light his face up, making him look – I won't lie – _hot. _

It takes me a moment to realise that he isn't even focussed on the TV, but is staring at the wall, deep in thought. I am about to ask him what he's thinking about, but we are suddenly plunged into darkness. The room seems deadly still without the flash of the fairy lights on the tree, but Dan breaks the silence so that I know I am not alone.

"Phil?" Dan whispers. I feel him sit up next to me, and see the faint black shadow of him. "What's going on?" he sounds so innocent, like a small child who is scared of the dark – _oh wait, Dan is scared of the dark._

"Probably just a power cut." I say, standing up and walking into the kitchen to get a candle. "I'll be back now." After lighting a small cinnamon candle, I head back to the living room, where Dan hasn't moved an inch.

"Come on," I say, holding out a hand, "Let's go to bed." He takes my hand, and together, with the small candle to guide us, and leaving the faint scent of cinnamon as we go, we get into bed. The darkness seems to pressing down on us as we lay huddle together to keep warm, making it deathly silent, but after about five minutes the silence in broken by Dan.

"Phil?" He says through the silence.

"Yeah?"

"Merry Christmas." He says. I look at my phone, which tells me that it is 11:59pm.

"One minute early." I reply, smugly, knowing that he was trying to beat me to it. I hear him sigh through the darkness. Suddenly my phone flashes 12:00am.

"Dan?" I whisper.

"Yeah?"

"Merry Christmas." I smile to myself, as I hear him curse under his breath.

"Merry Christmas, Phil."

"PHIL! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! IT'S CHRISTMAS!" I wake to Dan's overjoyed face beaming down at me. "GET UP!" I sit bolt upright, suddenly wide awake.

"What time is it?" I ask, reaching for my glasses.

"Seven in the morning, but who cares? IT'S CHRISTMAS!" I chuckle at how excited he is and get out of bed, holding Dan at arm's length.

"Dan, calm down!" I say. I thought_ I_ got excited about Christmas! We head downstairs together, and while Dan is making coffee, I take his presents form their hiding place under the stairs and put them under the tree, which seems to have come back to life since last night, and is flashing different colours. Dan seems to have already put my presents under the tree, and the two piles are both around the same size, making me feel a bit better.

We take it in turns to open presents, and it actually takes longer than I realised, and in the end we are surrounded by a sea of ripped and crumpled wrapping paper, both laughing at the ridiculous presents we got each other. Dan puts on the Edward Cullen mask, and starts slowly crawling toward me, and to be honest, it's terrifying.

"Dan! Stop it!" I laugh. "You're glittering!" he pounces on me, wrapping me into a tight embrace.

"Thanks for the presents." I say, hugging him back.

"_I_ didn't get them." He says looking at me, and to my relief he's taken the mask off.

"Who did?" I ask, confused.

"Father Christmas!" He says stupidly, and kisses me on the fore head.

"What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck down the chimney?" Dan reads the joke form the inside of a Christmas cracker.

"I don't know, Dan," I say, unenthusiastically. "What does Santa suffer from?"

"_Claus_tophobia!" Dan, dad, and I all erupt into fake laughter at the terrible joke which is what makes Christmas Christmas. The three of us are huddled around my small kitchen table, paper hats on, and eating our Christmas dinner. It's not the best dinner I have ever had, and nowhere near as good as mums used to be, but it's what we made between ourselves, and having Dan and dad with me makes it better. Besides, if it weren't for dad turning up at midday and insisting that we cook a dinner, Dan and I would have just lived off chocolate oranges today.

When we have all finished eating, and all of the crappy jokes have been told, we start to clear away. Half way through our silent clearing and washing up, Dan speaks.

"Do you know what, Phillip?" he says. I hate it when people call me 'Phillip'.

"What?" I reply, smiling at him.

"I think we should go for a walk when we're finished, don't you?" he sounds oddly formal.

"Sounds good!" I say, looking forward to getting out of the house. "Dad? Are you coming?"

"No, I think I'll stay here." he replies, not taking his eyes from the washing up. "There's a film I want to watch."

"Oh, okay." I say, not really disappointed, because it means I get to spend some time with Dan, despite having most of the morning to ourselves.

So, when everything is tidy, Dan and I step outside into the snow. There isn't snow falling from the sky anymore, but the slowly setting sun shines weakly, putting a glow on Dan's face. We walk in silence, fingers intertwined, along the side of the seemingly abandoned road, until we reach the park.

There may as well have been a zombie apocalypse, because the park is completely empty. Dan and I walk along the snowless footpath, still not letting go of each other's hands. When we reach the bottom of the hill, we settle on a bench that looks out over a small lake.

"Thanks Dan." I say, looking into his deep brown eyes.

"For what?" he says, a look of confusion on his face.

"For an awesome Christmas." I say, smiling at him, and earning one back.

"It's not over yet." He says, in a strangely quiet voice.

"I know that, I was just saying-"

"There's still something I haven't given you." Dan interrupts me. I don't have time to ask what, because he speaks again. "Close your eyes." I do as he says, the last thing I see being his smiley face, dimples showing. I smile in anticipation as I hear him move about. _What could it be?_

"Okay! You can open them now!" I hear Dan say. I slowly open my eyes, and for a moment, I can't see Dan. But then, I see him, kneeling in front of me and holding a small box. My heart gives a small jump as I realise what he's doing. The box is open. There is something inside. Something shiny. A ring? I don't know what to do, or what to feel, so I just sit there, staring at Dan in complete awe.

"Phil." He starts. I can see the box shaking slightly in his hands. "Will you marry me?"

I'm glad I am sat down, because the way my legs feel, I would probably be on the floor right now. _Is this really happening? It can't be happening. Dan wouldn't want to marry me. This sort of thing only happens in Disney movies. Dreams can't really come true, can they? _ Apparently, yes. They do.

Through tears that I didn't know were there, I see the outline of Dan, still on one knee, a hopeful look on his face. Realising that I have been silent for too long, I give him an answer. It is a simple answer, really.

"Yes." I say in a barely audible voice, as I half laugh half cry. My legs finally function, and I stand up, pulling Dan into what probably is a rib-breaking hug.

I have finally found happiness, and this was the most fun I have ever had.

**~THE END~**

**And, yes, I did go for the cliché quote ending… really not sure about this chapter, so please let me know what you think!? I know I have said this a million times now, but honestly, Thank you so so much for reading it really means a lot! Bye! **


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